Today I'm writing my post for the final chapter of Radical. Wow...I can't believe we're done already.
So I'm going to start by being very very honest. When I read this chapter, I don't feel very radical. In fact, I really don't want to be very radical. Some of the changes suggested just don't seem practical for me. However, I have made some of the changes suggested. I've started reading my Bible with intention of reading it all in one year. Rather than follow a plan, I've decided to read my Bible during bathroom breaks. So far I've made it to Numbers. Although I've done this several times before, it's been awhile since I've read through the Old Testament. There's a lot to ponder there.
Praying for the world intrigues me. After finishing up Radical, I signed up to get the Unreached Peoples emails. Each day, I receive an email introducing me to a different unreached people group and suggesting ways to pray for them. Today while reading Radical, I was reminded to pray that God would raise up workers to share the Gospel with the people groups that I'm praying for. I'm also praying for my community around me. As I see different people groups, I try to pray both that the individual will come to know Christ and that the people group will as well. Today I started praying for the Russian-Israeli population in Canada as members of that group are increasingly coming to comprise my social circle.
Sacrificing my money for a specific purpose is something that I want to do, but not yet. See, my best friend who lives far away just had a baby. So I'm saving my very limited personal spending money up for a plane ticket to visit her. My husband and I do give, but we have very little extra income. This is where I run into trouble with the Radical experiment, because although I do want to sacrifice for a specific purpose, I also really want to go visit my dear friend and her sweet baby. Is it wrong to wait to begin this step?
Up next is another troublesome challenge. Platt encourages us to spend our time in another context. As I mentioned previously, I would love to go overseas. But so far God has closed those doors. For this step, I guess I will have to rest knowing that if God allows me to serve in another context, I will gladly go. Is that enough?
I'm finding this really frustrating because I would love to say wholeheartedly that I'm in. But for a variety of reasons, I can't. Or won't. I'm not entirely sure if I'm just being too selfish or if I have good reasons for not fully committing to the experiment. In the fifth and final step, we are challenged to become a member of a multiplying faith community. Last year, this wouldn't have been a problem. After a very challenging year, my husband and I made the difficult decision to leave our church. It had ceased to be a safe and healthy place for our family. We had been hoping to return, but at this point I'm giving up on that hope. With that in mind, becoming a member of a multiplying faith community seems almost impossible. We are attending a new church, but unlike the previous church, it isn't in our neighbourhood which is important to us. Many of those we wish to reach don't have vehicles and public transportation doesn't run often on Sunday mornings. Our goal is to attend a church that those we minister to can easily attend. With this goal in mind, we most likely won't be staying longterm at the church we are currently attending, even though we really like it. We are still involved in a small group at our previous church though.
This is hard. It's hard to write this post. I want to be Radical, I really really do. I want to live differently, to be sold-out for Christ, to impact my community and my world for Christ. But I often wonder if this is possible, if God can possibly use me to make an impact. I may not be able to do all of the components of the Radical experiment right now, but I'm going to make accomplishing all of them my goal, even if they don't happen concurrently. It will be interesting to see what this experiment accomplishes. I'm frustrated that I can't do all of these things right now, but reading Radical has definitely started a change in me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Dying to Self
Once again, I'm joining with Marla for chapter 8 of the Radical Read-along. Chapter 8 is entitled "Living When Dying is Gain: The risk and reward of the radical life." This may be a very brief post as my hand is very sore and numb tonight.
Living when dying is gain. Huh. Those are some very big words, but not ones I like, although this is a concept that I can currently grasp well. Lately, death looks much better than life. But this sentiment comes more from a desire to escape current struggles than it does from meditation on being finally in God's presence, in our forever home. Far too often, this life, with its worldly comforts, is where I want to stay.
Dr. Platt's main focus was on those who left everything, sacrificed their comforts, safety and in some cases their lives for the greater glory of God. I certainly don't want to make light of their sacrifices, but sometimes leaving it all and experiencing physical death seems, I don't know, easier than walking through other forms of dying for Christ. Dying to self can be much harder when it means remaining in the culture, in the same social circles, but choosing a life that leads to ostracism. After facing rejection and ridicule by friends, family and the Church, being eaten by cannibals sounds appealing. At least it would be over much quicker.
Much to my dismay, last autumn, I discovered what obedience to God could cost me. I obeyed and lost much. I lost my reputation, my ministry, my friends, my health and now my church. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my sanity too. During this time, obedience seems far too costly. But what if I look at this through the filter of Jim Elliot's quote that he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose? Then my journey takes on a different hue. Losing all of these things, especially my reputation and friends has been immensely difficult. But I would much rather have lost all this then stand before the Father and be revealed disobedient.
Recently I have been angry with God. I've been angry over the cost of discipleship and obedience. When I'm looking the right way, I see what God is doing through this both in my life and in the lives of others. Without the events of last fall, I would not have started writing my blogs. Both the outlet and the community I've found here have been blessings. Without the loss of my friendships and church community, I wouldn't have started building deep friendships within my neighbourhood and school community. These have both been a blessing and my mission ground. As of yet, no one has come to Christ but we have planted seeds which we continue to water and search for more fertile ground in which to sow more seeds. My marriage has grown significantly during this time of trial, as have several of my remaining friendships. I have a lot more understanding of what it means to suffer.
But there are other times when I don't see the rainbow, just the storm. When I view my current struggles through the lenses of our cultural Christianity, I wonder why God is rejecting me. In that respect, this chapter has been a much needed wake-up call. Contrary to the North American version of Christianity, this isn't for wimps. We aren't called to be blessed and coddled, to be rewarded materially whenever we obey. We are called to a war, where people die and are injured as they seek to liberate captives and destroy strongholds. I don't want to be a solider that quits, that whines over the realities of war and ends up either destroyed, taken captive or fighting for the other side. Instead I'd much rather live a life of crazy obedience to my Commanding Officer, one that may earn me reprimands but will ultimately bring glory to Him. Will my name ever end up on a list of heroes of the faith? I doubt it. But I hope to live a life of such obedience that when I finally do die, I can stand before the Throne knowing that I did not hold back, I did not waver, but that I lived a life that brought Him glory.
I guess this means I have to quit whining. :)
Living when dying is gain. Huh. Those are some very big words, but not ones I like, although this is a concept that I can currently grasp well. Lately, death looks much better than life. But this sentiment comes more from a desire to escape current struggles than it does from meditation on being finally in God's presence, in our forever home. Far too often, this life, with its worldly comforts, is where I want to stay.
Dr. Platt's main focus was on those who left everything, sacrificed their comforts, safety and in some cases their lives for the greater glory of God. I certainly don't want to make light of their sacrifices, but sometimes leaving it all and experiencing physical death seems, I don't know, easier than walking through other forms of dying for Christ. Dying to self can be much harder when it means remaining in the culture, in the same social circles, but choosing a life that leads to ostracism. After facing rejection and ridicule by friends, family and the Church, being eaten by cannibals sounds appealing. At least it would be over much quicker.
Much to my dismay, last autumn, I discovered what obedience to God could cost me. I obeyed and lost much. I lost my reputation, my ministry, my friends, my health and now my church. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my sanity too. During this time, obedience seems far too costly. But what if I look at this through the filter of Jim Elliot's quote that he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose? Then my journey takes on a different hue. Losing all of these things, especially my reputation and friends has been immensely difficult. But I would much rather have lost all this then stand before the Father and be revealed disobedient.
Recently I have been angry with God. I've been angry over the cost of discipleship and obedience. When I'm looking the right way, I see what God is doing through this both in my life and in the lives of others. Without the events of last fall, I would not have started writing my blogs. Both the outlet and the community I've found here have been blessings. Without the loss of my friendships and church community, I wouldn't have started building deep friendships within my neighbourhood and school community. These have both been a blessing and my mission ground. As of yet, no one has come to Christ but we have planted seeds which we continue to water and search for more fertile ground in which to sow more seeds. My marriage has grown significantly during this time of trial, as have several of my remaining friendships. I have a lot more understanding of what it means to suffer.
But there are other times when I don't see the rainbow, just the storm. When I view my current struggles through the lenses of our cultural Christianity, I wonder why God is rejecting me. In that respect, this chapter has been a much needed wake-up call. Contrary to the North American version of Christianity, this isn't for wimps. We aren't called to be blessed and coddled, to be rewarded materially whenever we obey. We are called to a war, where people die and are injured as they seek to liberate captives and destroy strongholds. I don't want to be a solider that quits, that whines over the realities of war and ends up either destroyed, taken captive or fighting for the other side. Instead I'd much rather live a life of crazy obedience to my Commanding Officer, one that may earn me reprimands but will ultimately bring glory to Him. Will my name ever end up on a list of heroes of the faith? I doubt it. But I hope to live a life of such obedience that when I finally do die, I can stand before the Throne knowing that I did not hold back, I did not waver, but that I lived a life that brought Him glory.
I guess this means I have to quit whining. :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Hell Bound
Once again, I'm joining with Marla for the Radical Read-along. This week we're reading Chapter 7.
Unless they know Jesus, everyone around us is going to hell. Although blunt, this statement pretty much sums up chapter 7. This isn't anything new to me, but it certainly isn't something I want to think about. Especially when it means that the people around me that I cherish may be doomed for eternity. As I have several close relatives that aren't following Christ, this isn't something I like to dwell on.
In early posts, I've mentioned my desire to see my entire school community come to know Christ. This is partially because of this chapter. It's been hard to think that many of my beautiful friends are eternally damned. I can't deal with that. In the past, I've just not dwelt on it. But after reading this chapter, I was challenged.
I'm not handing out tracks, or standing on the corner with a megaphone. But I am being a lot more intentional, both in my prayers and my conversation. I don't typically speak freely about my faith. It just isn't always acceptable. Sometimes admitting I'm a Christian is a good way to end a conversation. But recently, especially after this chapter, I'm a lot more open about my faith. I'm not pushy, just genuine. I don't choose my words quite as carefully as I used to. And I'm ashamed to admit that I had stopped praying for people's salvation. I'm not sure why, I just had. I've started praying again, sometimes broadly, sometimes more specifically, but always for the salvation of those around me, sometimes even for strangers. Strangely, I'm also being a lot more open about my struggles, especially how my faith ties into them. I'm not selling a dream, but a hard faith, one that is well worth the cost.
Beyond praying and more open conversation, I'm also being more intentional. We are setting aside one evening a week for relational evangelism. At this point, this consists mostly of building relationships. As time progresses, we hope to be able to share our faith and lead those around us to Christ. Tomorrow my daughter's teacher will be coming for dinner. We went to high school together and could have been good friends, but, to our mutual regret, were too defined and confined by our labels. My house may not be clean, and dinner may end up being from Pizza Pizza, but I am committed to building a relationship with this lovely woman so that she and her partner may know Christ. I doubt it will happen overnight, but I want to be intentional in building relationships, praying and sharing Christ so that she and many others will worship before the Lamb when Time has run its course.
I have to apologize for this post. My head is filled by thoughts of assault rifles and refugees.
Unless they know Jesus, everyone around us is going to hell. Although blunt, this statement pretty much sums up chapter 7. This isn't anything new to me, but it certainly isn't something I want to think about. Especially when it means that the people around me that I cherish may be doomed for eternity. As I have several close relatives that aren't following Christ, this isn't something I like to dwell on.
In early posts, I've mentioned my desire to see my entire school community come to know Christ. This is partially because of this chapter. It's been hard to think that many of my beautiful friends are eternally damned. I can't deal with that. In the past, I've just not dwelt on it. But after reading this chapter, I was challenged.
I'm not handing out tracks, or standing on the corner with a megaphone. But I am being a lot more intentional, both in my prayers and my conversation. I don't typically speak freely about my faith. It just isn't always acceptable. Sometimes admitting I'm a Christian is a good way to end a conversation. But recently, especially after this chapter, I'm a lot more open about my faith. I'm not pushy, just genuine. I don't choose my words quite as carefully as I used to. And I'm ashamed to admit that I had stopped praying for people's salvation. I'm not sure why, I just had. I've started praying again, sometimes broadly, sometimes more specifically, but always for the salvation of those around me, sometimes even for strangers. Strangely, I'm also being a lot more open about my struggles, especially how my faith ties into them. I'm not selling a dream, but a hard faith, one that is well worth the cost.
Beyond praying and more open conversation, I'm also being more intentional. We are setting aside one evening a week for relational evangelism. At this point, this consists mostly of building relationships. As time progresses, we hope to be able to share our faith and lead those around us to Christ. Tomorrow my daughter's teacher will be coming for dinner. We went to high school together and could have been good friends, but, to our mutual regret, were too defined and confined by our labels. My house may not be clean, and dinner may end up being from Pizza Pizza, but I am committed to building a relationship with this lovely woman so that she and her partner may know Christ. I doubt it will happen overnight, but I want to be intentional in building relationships, praying and sharing Christ so that she and many others will worship before the Lamb when Time has run its course.
I have to apologize for this post. My head is filled by thoughts of assault rifles and refugees.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sacrifice not Indulgence
After last week's break, I'm joining again with Marla for the Radical Read-along. This week we're focussing on chapter 6 "How much is enough?: American wealth and a world of poverty".
Once again, this week's chapter has left me unsure of how to respond. This isn't that I'm being convicted, but because we've already chosen to live a life of sacrifice. Where do I go from there? How much is enough?
Recently, I learned that I am in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. Granted, my wealth doesn't look like much compared to the great wealth of others, but this statistic shook me. In my nation, I live just a short step above the poverty line. It wasn't that many years ago that we were below the poverty line, which is also where I grew up. If my poverty is in fact riches, what then does the rest of the world look like?
Around the same time, I was spending a lot of time reading James. The fifth chapter of James in particular speaks quite harshly to the rich. Verse four jumped out at me:
For listen! Hear the cries of the field workers whom you have cheated of their pay. The wages you held back cry out against you. The cries of those who harvest your fields have reached the ears of the Lord of Heaven's Armies." (James 5:4 NLT)
One of the reasons I enjoy such a nice lifestyle is that many of my luxuries, including food, are purchased at unreasonably low prices. Many farmers are not paid fair wages. To keep our food cosmetically appealing as well as hardy, many chemicals are applied to this food. Pesticides and the like didn't used to bother me. Until I learned about the appallingly high rate of cancer and other diseases among farmers that use pesticides. My new knowledge combined with this scripture to make a life change.
Over the last couple of growing seasons, my family has been dabbling in eating local and organic. We've joined a CSA as well as local foods buying club. Although this food tastes a lot better, it's still very expensive and we're still relatively poor. Even though I knew I could purchase local organic flour, I chose to buy the much less expensive grocery store flour. My heart was leaning towards local foods, but I was determined to be a responsible shopper. Until I read this verse. I was convicted.
I was part of the problem. I had alternatives, I knew better, but still thought that this was all about me. I didn't like this new revelation. I felt convicted to spend the extra money on local flour and meat, but didn't want to obey. What would my husband say? What about our very tight food budget? I decided to be cute and asked God to raise our support. Instead we lost a supporter. What was God trying to say?
I soon decided that God didn't want my maybes. He didn't want my "if we can afford it"s. He wanted my obedience. I bought the expensive flour. I bought the pricey local hormone, drug-free meat from a farmer who needs the income. I bought local produce at fair prices, not cheap ones. I have a long way to go on that one, but it's fun insisting on paying extra because I know their goods are worth more. We sacrificed. We eat less meat and are working on making what meat we eat go a lot further. We've drastically cut back on our purchase of junk food and other prepared or packaged foods.
This isn't a final solution. We've identified one area that needs work and are steadily working on eating in a much healthier, sustainable, responsible manner. But there are still a lot of people who need food, shelter, medicine and Jesus. I don't know where God is going to lead us next or where other blindspots are in my faith-walk. But whatever the cost, wherever the call, I really really really want to obey God and live a life of sacrifice not indulgence.
Once again, this week's chapter has left me unsure of how to respond. This isn't that I'm being convicted, but because we've already chosen to live a life of sacrifice. Where do I go from there? How much is enough?
Recently, I learned that I am in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. Granted, my wealth doesn't look like much compared to the great wealth of others, but this statistic shook me. In my nation, I live just a short step above the poverty line. It wasn't that many years ago that we were below the poverty line, which is also where I grew up. If my poverty is in fact riches, what then does the rest of the world look like?
Around the same time, I was spending a lot of time reading James. The fifth chapter of James in particular speaks quite harshly to the rich. Verse four jumped out at me:
For listen! Hear the cries of the field workers whom you have cheated of their pay. The wages you held back cry out against you. The cries of those who harvest your fields have reached the ears of the Lord of Heaven's Armies." (James 5:4 NLT)
One of the reasons I enjoy such a nice lifestyle is that many of my luxuries, including food, are purchased at unreasonably low prices. Many farmers are not paid fair wages. To keep our food cosmetically appealing as well as hardy, many chemicals are applied to this food. Pesticides and the like didn't used to bother me. Until I learned about the appallingly high rate of cancer and other diseases among farmers that use pesticides. My new knowledge combined with this scripture to make a life change.
Over the last couple of growing seasons, my family has been dabbling in eating local and organic. We've joined a CSA as well as local foods buying club. Although this food tastes a lot better, it's still very expensive and we're still relatively poor. Even though I knew I could purchase local organic flour, I chose to buy the much less expensive grocery store flour. My heart was leaning towards local foods, but I was determined to be a responsible shopper. Until I read this verse. I was convicted.
I was part of the problem. I had alternatives, I knew better, but still thought that this was all about me. I didn't like this new revelation. I felt convicted to spend the extra money on local flour and meat, but didn't want to obey. What would my husband say? What about our very tight food budget? I decided to be cute and asked God to raise our support. Instead we lost a supporter. What was God trying to say?
I soon decided that God didn't want my maybes. He didn't want my "if we can afford it"s. He wanted my obedience. I bought the expensive flour. I bought the pricey local hormone, drug-free meat from a farmer who needs the income. I bought local produce at fair prices, not cheap ones. I have a long way to go on that one, but it's fun insisting on paying extra because I know their goods are worth more. We sacrificed. We eat less meat and are working on making what meat we eat go a lot further. We've drastically cut back on our purchase of junk food and other prepared or packaged foods.
This isn't a final solution. We've identified one area that needs work and are steadily working on eating in a much healthier, sustainable, responsible manner. But there are still a lot of people who need food, shelter, medicine and Jesus. I don't know where God is going to lead us next or where other blindspots are in my faith-walk. But whatever the cost, wherever the call, I really really really want to obey God and live a life of sacrifice not indulgence.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friendship
This post has been on my heart for quite awhile. This morning while I was mulling over it once again, the phrase "friends don't let friends...." popped into my head. Later I logged onto Facebook to find that a friend had posted an article on the sale of personal information by third party applications. My friend then commented "Friends don't let friends use Facebook/Farmville". I found that amusing and somewhat eerily appropriate.
Our culture perceives friends to be supportive, encouraging individuals, ones that can speak into our lives. In Proverbs it says that as iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen friends. Friends are not just those people that we have a great time with, but also those that challenge us to be better people. They can be the ones that warn us of potential danger resulting from our decisions. And they can also be the people who love us as God does, unconditionally.
However, in the last several years I've noticed a pattern emerge. Perhaps this is just common in the circles I'm in, but it disturbs me. Perhaps this has to do with our culture of acceptance and acknowledgement that we are all different. Instead of being the friends that challenge, we have become the friends that accept. Yes, unconditional love and acceptance are wonderful, but not at the cost of watering down truth. Instead of asking our friends if their decision is wise, we bite our tongues, paste a smile on and congratulate them. Why? Because in many cases, we don't want to hurt their feelings or ruin the friendship.
This feel-good friendship can be bad enough when applied to decisions. When it concerns wrongdoing on the part of our friends, the impact is disastrous. Perhaps you've seen this happen. Someone hurts someone else. Perhaps it was intentional, perhaps not. Regardless of the intent, a person is left hurting. This doesn't just affect the individual but the surrounding community. Perhaps a ministry leader spoke unkindly out of haste or personal hurt. When those in the community, perhaps close friends, learn of their friend's wound I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Many of these friends cannot believe or accept that the other friend would do such a thing. Rather than choosing to love their friend/ministry leader while acknowledging that he or she has made a mistake, they rebuke the other person for being hurt. Often friendships are ended, a person is silenced or even cast out from the community because we cannot acknowledging that our friends and leaders have made mistakes.
My brothers and sisters, this should not be! Friendship should not mean a refusal to accept that our friends do the wrong things. Friendship should hopefully be deep enough that we can love our friends even when they make mistakes. Personally, I want my friends to be able to confront me when I'm making mistakes and behaving badly. Yes, I want them to love me even when I screw up, but I also expect them to gently rebuke me as needed.
I am very blessed to have a best friend who does this. We have been friends since our first year of high school. She loves me very much even when I do things she doesn't agree with. Sometimes our conversations are uncomfortable because she refuses to agree with me just because. Instead she challenges my thinking and sometimes my decisions. She affirms me while acknowledging my mistakes and struggles. This isn't a feel-good friendship, but one in which I am continually being sharpened. One of the biggest blessings of this type of friendship is that I know she isn't saying one thing to my face and another to my back.
Although I can identify a problem, it's harder to come up with a solution. How does one fix something so deep rooted? For me, I have determined to speak truth. Part of this has been learning to control my own tongue in conversation and then challenge my friends to do the same. Together we are breaking the hold gossip has had on our conversations. With other friends, my challenge has been to gently remind them of the truth. Sometimes it is easier to bash our family members, especially husbands and children, than it is to focus on our behaviour. I have also chosen to be open about my struggles as a wife and mother, especially when I fail. Not only do I want true friends, I also want to be one. That means being honest and held accountable even as I do the same in turn.
What does being a good friend mean to you?
Our culture perceives friends to be supportive, encouraging individuals, ones that can speak into our lives. In Proverbs it says that as iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen friends. Friends are not just those people that we have a great time with, but also those that challenge us to be better people. They can be the ones that warn us of potential danger resulting from our decisions. And they can also be the people who love us as God does, unconditionally.
However, in the last several years I've noticed a pattern emerge. Perhaps this is just common in the circles I'm in, but it disturbs me. Perhaps this has to do with our culture of acceptance and acknowledgement that we are all different. Instead of being the friends that challenge, we have become the friends that accept. Yes, unconditional love and acceptance are wonderful, but not at the cost of watering down truth. Instead of asking our friends if their decision is wise, we bite our tongues, paste a smile on and congratulate them. Why? Because in many cases, we don't want to hurt their feelings or ruin the friendship.
This feel-good friendship can be bad enough when applied to decisions. When it concerns wrongdoing on the part of our friends, the impact is disastrous. Perhaps you've seen this happen. Someone hurts someone else. Perhaps it was intentional, perhaps not. Regardless of the intent, a person is left hurting. This doesn't just affect the individual but the surrounding community. Perhaps a ministry leader spoke unkindly out of haste or personal hurt. When those in the community, perhaps close friends, learn of their friend's wound I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Many of these friends cannot believe or accept that the other friend would do such a thing. Rather than choosing to love their friend/ministry leader while acknowledging that he or she has made a mistake, they rebuke the other person for being hurt. Often friendships are ended, a person is silenced or even cast out from the community because we cannot acknowledging that our friends and leaders have made mistakes.
My brothers and sisters, this should not be! Friendship should not mean a refusal to accept that our friends do the wrong things. Friendship should hopefully be deep enough that we can love our friends even when they make mistakes. Personally, I want my friends to be able to confront me when I'm making mistakes and behaving badly. Yes, I want them to love me even when I screw up, but I also expect them to gently rebuke me as needed.
I am very blessed to have a best friend who does this. We have been friends since our first year of high school. She loves me very much even when I do things she doesn't agree with. Sometimes our conversations are uncomfortable because she refuses to agree with me just because. Instead she challenges my thinking and sometimes my decisions. She affirms me while acknowledging my mistakes and struggles. This isn't a feel-good friendship, but one in which I am continually being sharpened. One of the biggest blessings of this type of friendship is that I know she isn't saying one thing to my face and another to my back.
Although I can identify a problem, it's harder to come up with a solution. How does one fix something so deep rooted? For me, I have determined to speak truth. Part of this has been learning to control my own tongue in conversation and then challenge my friends to do the same. Together we are breaking the hold gossip has had on our conversations. With other friends, my challenge has been to gently remind them of the truth. Sometimes it is easier to bash our family members, especially husbands and children, than it is to focus on our behaviour. I have also chosen to be open about my struggles as a wife and mother, especially when I fail. Not only do I want true friends, I also want to be one. That means being honest and held accountable even as I do the same in turn.
What does being a good friend mean to you?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
How Do I Do That?
Welcome to my post on Radical. We're on chapter five this week.
In Matthew 28:19, we are commanded to make disciples of all nations. This isn't a suggestion or a maybe or a "if you feel so led" please go and disciples. In the preceding verse, Jesus says that we are given all authority on heaven and earth. He doesn't follow this up by saying please live a good life, take great vacations and say a prayer before you go to bed and at every meal. Instead He gifts us with His supernatural power for the specific purpose of making disciples, baptizing them and then teaching them to obey what God has taught us. So how on earth to we go about doing that?
For me, this command can conjure up a lot of anxiety. It also brings up a lot of toos and nots. I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I'm too broken, my kids are too crazy, my house is too messy, my church has too many issues, I'm not spiritual enough, I'm not ready for this, I'm not.... the list could go on. But all of these concerns are beside the point. Am I a follower of Christ? If the answer is yes, nothing else matters. No matter what my issues are, if I'm a Christian I am commanded to make disciples.
So then who do I disciple? Do I put an add on Craigslist? "If you would like to learn about Jesus, please contact Grace?" Do I randomly approach people and ask them if they'd like to know Jesus better? Well, those are possibilities, but I'm not sure I would recommend them. Rather, I think we are meant to begin with those we know. So who do I know? Who are my friends? If all my friends are Christians, I am most likely a disinfected Christian rather than a discipler.
Until last year, I belonged in that category. Most of my social interaction took place within the community of believers, although I did have some friends outside the faith. Then last fall happened, and overnight I lost most of my friends within my church. I experienced social ostracism. Although this has been a very hard thing, it has had the benefit of kicking me out into my community. I have more time to listen, more willingness to befriend, and a great desire to spend time with others. Because of this, I have finally made good friends among my neighbours and school mates. Instead of fellowshipping only with other believers, we have been actively building friendships with those in our community. They are the people we have over for dinner, go to movies with, and drink tea with. Since last year, I think I can now call myself a discipler.
For the most part, I believe that discipling happens informally. Currently, the woman that I am discipling has no idea that this is happening. She isn't even a follower of Christ. Yet. But I believe that she will be eventually. It's happening much slower than I would like, but God is at work in her life and heart. I didn't chose her, God did. Lizzie(not her real name) has children in the same classes as my children. We also walk the same way to and from school. Our kids really like each other, but she drives me nuts. The first year we met, I really didn't want to talk to her. During that year, I never invited her in even though we stood in my yard chatting. I was too busy, my house was too messy, and I was not interested in being her friend.
Summer came, and God disciplined my selfish heart. I realized how badly Lizzie needs Jesus, and how much her children need her to find Him. Swallowing my selfishness, I repented and told God that if He brought her into my life again, I would invite her in. Come fall and the start of school, Lizzie was back in my life. I took a deep breath, prayed and invited her over. The first time, she stayed for tea. The next she stayed for dinner. After our third visit, God told me to invite her to church. Other than saying grace and mentioning that my children's art was made at Sunday school, I had not had a single spiritual conversation with her. But I felt very strongly that I was to invite her to church. It was Friday afternoon, I was engaged in conversation with another friend when I saw Lizzie. Breaking off quickly, I darted over and asked "Random awkward question: Woud you like to go to church with me on Sunday?" Strangely she said yes. Lizzie didn't come that Sunday, but she came the next. I'd like to say that she's started following Christ, but she hasn't yet. However, she is seeking and we're continuing to come alongside her as she is ready, communicating God's great love for her with our actions and unconditional love and care.
I'm coming to learn that discipleship is about obeying God's call and living openly. We just celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend. My husband's family has been journeying with us in reaching our community. As a result, they opened their home and table to six Asian students they've been connecting with. My family invited over two neighbour couples, both Russian(mostly). One family also follows Christ, the other doesn't. The unbelieving family attended the Oktoberfest parade with us. While we were waiting for the parade to start, a woman came along handing out tracks. To be honest, this woman makes me embarrassed to call myself a Christian. I disagree with both her methods and her theology. Even after we politely refused the tracks, saying that we already know Christ, she pressed them on us with warnings of hellfire. *sigh* My daughter read the track and then handed it over, saying that she already knows Jesus. Her faith warms my heart. The neighbour boy also read the track and then asked who is this Jesus Christ. With his father's permission, I was able to briefly explain the Gospel. While hiking with my menfolk through the woods, this same little boy commented that we believe in God and his parents don't. We haven't done anything other than live our lives openly, inviting them in. Steve and I have both had honest faith conversations with his parents and we prayerfully anticipate many more.
I could keep writing because this is a subject I'm passionate about. Discipling is hard. There are many times when I don't want to engage others in conversation, when I don't want to open my home, when I am too tired and hurt to open my heart to new friends. I don't feel capable of leading others to Christ. But I ache for my beautiful friends. I want them to experience the amazingness of a relationship with Christ. My answer to everything is prayer and I want them to have that option too. Since these are my friends and neighbours, it's up to me to buck up and obey Christ's command to make disciples. I have to say that in all honesty, I wouldn't go back to being a disinfected believer, only interacting with other believers. Although I feel inadequate most days, I also feel alive and purposeful. May you discover the joys of sharing your life with whomever God brings into your path. May we go forth and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them and teaching them to obey God. My next step is to invite someone over for dinner once a week. What's yours?
In Matthew 28:19, we are commanded to make disciples of all nations. This isn't a suggestion or a maybe or a "if you feel so led" please go and disciples. In the preceding verse, Jesus says that we are given all authority on heaven and earth. He doesn't follow this up by saying please live a good life, take great vacations and say a prayer before you go to bed and at every meal. Instead He gifts us with His supernatural power for the specific purpose of making disciples, baptizing them and then teaching them to obey what God has taught us. So how on earth to we go about doing that?
For me, this command can conjure up a lot of anxiety. It also brings up a lot of toos and nots. I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I'm too broken, my kids are too crazy, my house is too messy, my church has too many issues, I'm not spiritual enough, I'm not ready for this, I'm not.... the list could go on. But all of these concerns are beside the point. Am I a follower of Christ? If the answer is yes, nothing else matters. No matter what my issues are, if I'm a Christian I am commanded to make disciples.
So then who do I disciple? Do I put an add on Craigslist? "If you would like to learn about Jesus, please contact Grace?" Do I randomly approach people and ask them if they'd like to know Jesus better? Well, those are possibilities, but I'm not sure I would recommend them. Rather, I think we are meant to begin with those we know. So who do I know? Who are my friends? If all my friends are Christians, I am most likely a disinfected Christian rather than a discipler.
Until last year, I belonged in that category. Most of my social interaction took place within the community of believers, although I did have some friends outside the faith. Then last fall happened, and overnight I lost most of my friends within my church. I experienced social ostracism. Although this has been a very hard thing, it has had the benefit of kicking me out into my community. I have more time to listen, more willingness to befriend, and a great desire to spend time with others. Because of this, I have finally made good friends among my neighbours and school mates. Instead of fellowshipping only with other believers, we have been actively building friendships with those in our community. They are the people we have over for dinner, go to movies with, and drink tea with. Since last year, I think I can now call myself a discipler.
For the most part, I believe that discipling happens informally. Currently, the woman that I am discipling has no idea that this is happening. She isn't even a follower of Christ. Yet. But I believe that she will be eventually. It's happening much slower than I would like, but God is at work in her life and heart. I didn't chose her, God did. Lizzie(not her real name) has children in the same classes as my children. We also walk the same way to and from school. Our kids really like each other, but she drives me nuts. The first year we met, I really didn't want to talk to her. During that year, I never invited her in even though we stood in my yard chatting. I was too busy, my house was too messy, and I was not interested in being her friend.
Summer came, and God disciplined my selfish heart. I realized how badly Lizzie needs Jesus, and how much her children need her to find Him. Swallowing my selfishness, I repented and told God that if He brought her into my life again, I would invite her in. Come fall and the start of school, Lizzie was back in my life. I took a deep breath, prayed and invited her over. The first time, she stayed for tea. The next she stayed for dinner. After our third visit, God told me to invite her to church. Other than saying grace and mentioning that my children's art was made at Sunday school, I had not had a single spiritual conversation with her. But I felt very strongly that I was to invite her to church. It was Friday afternoon, I was engaged in conversation with another friend when I saw Lizzie. Breaking off quickly, I darted over and asked "Random awkward question: Woud you like to go to church with me on Sunday?" Strangely she said yes. Lizzie didn't come that Sunday, but she came the next. I'd like to say that she's started following Christ, but she hasn't yet. However, she is seeking and we're continuing to come alongside her as she is ready, communicating God's great love for her with our actions and unconditional love and care.
I'm coming to learn that discipleship is about obeying God's call and living openly. We just celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend. My husband's family has been journeying with us in reaching our community. As a result, they opened their home and table to six Asian students they've been connecting with. My family invited over two neighbour couples, both Russian(mostly). One family also follows Christ, the other doesn't. The unbelieving family attended the Oktoberfest parade with us. While we were waiting for the parade to start, a woman came along handing out tracks. To be honest, this woman makes me embarrassed to call myself a Christian. I disagree with both her methods and her theology. Even after we politely refused the tracks, saying that we already know Christ, she pressed them on us with warnings of hellfire. *sigh* My daughter read the track and then handed it over, saying that she already knows Jesus. Her faith warms my heart. The neighbour boy also read the track and then asked who is this Jesus Christ. With his father's permission, I was able to briefly explain the Gospel. While hiking with my menfolk through the woods, this same little boy commented that we believe in God and his parents don't. We haven't done anything other than live our lives openly, inviting them in. Steve and I have both had honest faith conversations with his parents and we prayerfully anticipate many more.
I could keep writing because this is a subject I'm passionate about. Discipling is hard. There are many times when I don't want to engage others in conversation, when I don't want to open my home, when I am too tired and hurt to open my heart to new friends. I don't feel capable of leading others to Christ. But I ache for my beautiful friends. I want them to experience the amazingness of a relationship with Christ. My answer to everything is prayer and I want them to have that option too. Since these are my friends and neighbours, it's up to me to buck up and obey Christ's command to make disciples. I have to say that in all honesty, I wouldn't go back to being a disinfected believer, only interacting with other believers. Although I feel inadequate most days, I also feel alive and purposeful. May you discover the joys of sharing your life with whomever God brings into your path. May we go forth and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them and teaching them to obey God. My next step is to invite someone over for dinner once a week. What's yours?
Monday, October 4, 2010
The World Is Here
This is my Radical Read-along post with Marla for week 4. This chapter is about God's global purpose which is to glorify Himself. Platt argues that as believers we are all commanded to impact the entire world for Him.
I think this has been the hardest chapter for me. I struggled with it on my first read through and I still do, just not for the reasons you might think. Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
Just over thirty years ago, a man on a short-term building trip met a full-time teacher at a little mission on the Texas-Mexico border. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. Two days after their first anniversary, I arrived. My parents never forgot their missions experience. It wasn't all positive, but their desire to serve God even in another culture, another climate(let's just say the Mexicans didn't believe my dad's stories about snow) and another language shaped how they raised me. My dad is a story-teller, a very good one at that. Throughout my childhood, he told my sister and I many stories about how my parents met and about that little mission in that little border town. Between my dad's stories and my mother's speaking to us in Spanish, a desire to go grew in my heart. My parents nurtured that desire. My mother's bookshelves held stories of missionaries that I read over and over. While I attended a Christian school, I read and re-read the missionary bibliographies. I was fascinated by these people who heard a call, sacrificed everything and went. I wanted to go too.
As a teen, I had a subscription to Brio magazine. Every year, it came with a full-colour short-term missions insert. I read the descriptions with an aching heart. Each description filled me with a desire to go there, to serve there. My parents couldn't send me on their own, so we asked our pastor about raising support. Unfortunately, I attended a very conservative church that did not support anything outside of their particular group. After reading through the brochure, my pastor pronounced it a waste of money and if I wanted to see the world it could be done a lot cheaper than that. I was heartbroken. But the call of God didn't leave.
This call hasn't left yet. I still have this unspecified longing to go into the world and preach the Gospel. But this funny thing happened...God said no. We've tried to go at least three times on a short-term mission trip and each time God has said no. It's been frustrating. What makes it even more interesting is that my husband and I are full-time missionaries. We are commissioned by our church to spread the Gospel. Not only that, but we raise and live on support. We've tried to go overseas, we want to go overseas, but God keeps saying no. Instead, Steve works at the Canadian head office using his considerable tech talents for God's glory. So when I read this chapter about how we are all supposed to go, I struggled. Is God wrong? How can this be His plan for all of us to go when He won't let me?
Or maybe His plan for us is different. I live in a very multi-cultural area. It isn't as diverse as some of the bigger cities, but for this size of city, it's quite multicultural. Not only is this city one of six refugee settlement areas across Canada, it is also home to two major universities. People from all over the world come here for their undergrad, masters and graduate degrees as well as for post-doc studies. Because we live in inexpensive housing close to the university, many of our neighbours and friends at school are from different nations. Many are students, some are immigrants, some are refugees. We also live right near a major tech hub. Perhaps you've heard of the BlackBerry? Yeah, they make that here. Not only are the massive RIM headquarters down the street, there are also many high-tech companies and research institutes here including Ratheon and the Quantum Institute. Who works there? Well, people from all over the world.
At our very small school, there are over 30 languages represented. Among my friends, I know people from Russia, Israel, the Bahamas, the Philippines, Syria, Afghanistan, Eritrea, Somalia, China, Vietnam, Laos, Scotland, Australia and India to name a few. After meeting all of these wonderful people, it hit me that I could whine about how much I wanted to go into the world and reach others for Christ, or I could get off my butt and start reaching out to my neighbours. While some of my friends are here to stay, others will be going back to their country of origin. Most of those that chose to stay still have contact with their countrymen. What would happen if these people from all over the world came to Christ? What would happen if they were discipled, trained and equipped to spread the Gospel in their country in their language? Would this not be accomplishing God's great global purpose of spreading His glory throughout the earth?
I still want to go. The problem is I want to go everywhere. Well, that and that God keeps saying no. But He does seem to be saying yes to serving here. He even seems to be equipping me. Since I'm a member of a missions organization, albeit a member who hasn't been off the continent yet, I've gotten a lot of extra training. I've taken cross-cultural training, have sat in on discussions on engaging our world for Christ, and have even been able to attend a workshop on ministering to M*slims. As a member of this organization, I have access to some of the best misisional minds out there. If I need training, I can get it. Even as I type this, I'm starting to get excited about the possibilites of accomplishing God's great global purpose here. Like I mentioned last week, I'm praying that God will bring everyone connected with my school to Christ. Can you imagine the possibilities? I am excited to reach my friends with the Gospel with the purpose of enabling them to reach their friends, family members and people-groups. It could spark a never-ending chain of faith explosions.
The bottom line? Are all Christians commissioned to go into all the world and preach the Gospel? Definitely! But does this look the same for everybody? Probably not. Go then, discover your unique calling, and impact the world for Christ.
I think this has been the hardest chapter for me. I struggled with it on my first read through and I still do, just not for the reasons you might think. Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
Just over thirty years ago, a man on a short-term building trip met a full-time teacher at a little mission on the Texas-Mexico border. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. Two days after their first anniversary, I arrived. My parents never forgot their missions experience. It wasn't all positive, but their desire to serve God even in another culture, another climate(let's just say the Mexicans didn't believe my dad's stories about snow) and another language shaped how they raised me. My dad is a story-teller, a very good one at that. Throughout my childhood, he told my sister and I many stories about how my parents met and about that little mission in that little border town. Between my dad's stories and my mother's speaking to us in Spanish, a desire to go grew in my heart. My parents nurtured that desire. My mother's bookshelves held stories of missionaries that I read over and over. While I attended a Christian school, I read and re-read the missionary bibliographies. I was fascinated by these people who heard a call, sacrificed everything and went. I wanted to go too.
As a teen, I had a subscription to Brio magazine. Every year, it came with a full-colour short-term missions insert. I read the descriptions with an aching heart. Each description filled me with a desire to go there, to serve there. My parents couldn't send me on their own, so we asked our pastor about raising support. Unfortunately, I attended a very conservative church that did not support anything outside of their particular group. After reading through the brochure, my pastor pronounced it a waste of money and if I wanted to see the world it could be done a lot cheaper than that. I was heartbroken. But the call of God didn't leave.
This call hasn't left yet. I still have this unspecified longing to go into the world and preach the Gospel. But this funny thing happened...God said no. We've tried to go at least three times on a short-term mission trip and each time God has said no. It's been frustrating. What makes it even more interesting is that my husband and I are full-time missionaries. We are commissioned by our church to spread the Gospel. Not only that, but we raise and live on support. We've tried to go overseas, we want to go overseas, but God keeps saying no. Instead, Steve works at the Canadian head office using his considerable tech talents for God's glory. So when I read this chapter about how we are all supposed to go, I struggled. Is God wrong? How can this be His plan for all of us to go when He won't let me?
Or maybe His plan for us is different. I live in a very multi-cultural area. It isn't as diverse as some of the bigger cities, but for this size of city, it's quite multicultural. Not only is this city one of six refugee settlement areas across Canada, it is also home to two major universities. People from all over the world come here for their undergrad, masters and graduate degrees as well as for post-doc studies. Because we live in inexpensive housing close to the university, many of our neighbours and friends at school are from different nations. Many are students, some are immigrants, some are refugees. We also live right near a major tech hub. Perhaps you've heard of the BlackBerry? Yeah, they make that here. Not only are the massive RIM headquarters down the street, there are also many high-tech companies and research institutes here including Ratheon and the Quantum Institute. Who works there? Well, people from all over the world.
At our very small school, there are over 30 languages represented. Among my friends, I know people from Russia, Israel, the Bahamas, the Philippines, Syria, Afghanistan, Eritrea, Somalia, China, Vietnam, Laos, Scotland, Australia and India to name a few. After meeting all of these wonderful people, it hit me that I could whine about how much I wanted to go into the world and reach others for Christ, or I could get off my butt and start reaching out to my neighbours. While some of my friends are here to stay, others will be going back to their country of origin. Most of those that chose to stay still have contact with their countrymen. What would happen if these people from all over the world came to Christ? What would happen if they were discipled, trained and equipped to spread the Gospel in their country in their language? Would this not be accomplishing God's great global purpose of spreading His glory throughout the earth?
I still want to go. The problem is I want to go everywhere. Well, that and that God keeps saying no. But He does seem to be saying yes to serving here. He even seems to be equipping me. Since I'm a member of a missions organization, albeit a member who hasn't been off the continent yet, I've gotten a lot of extra training. I've taken cross-cultural training, have sat in on discussions on engaging our world for Christ, and have even been able to attend a workshop on ministering to M*slims. As a member of this organization, I have access to some of the best misisional minds out there. If I need training, I can get it. Even as I type this, I'm starting to get excited about the possibilites of accomplishing God's great global purpose here. Like I mentioned last week, I'm praying that God will bring everyone connected with my school to Christ. Can you imagine the possibilities? I am excited to reach my friends with the Gospel with the purpose of enabling them to reach their friends, family members and people-groups. It could spark a never-ending chain of faith explosions.
The bottom line? Are all Christians commissioned to go into all the world and preach the Gospel? Definitely! But does this look the same for everybody? Probably not. Go then, discover your unique calling, and impact the world for Christ.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Shameless Plug
On Saturday, October 2nd, my two oldest monkeys will be participating in the Ride for Refuge formerly known as the Ride for Refugee. I believe this is the 7th ride and my family's fifth year participating. The money raised by my family will go to supporting a local refugee housing community and towards building a school in Sudan.
This is the second year that my children have ridden. Last year they chose to ride after becoming friends with a refugee family at their school. This family had fled persecution in Africa because of their faith. The mother had been jailed, and the father remains there in prison. His crime? Pastoring a church not approved by the government. They have four beautiful children ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old. The second youngest struggles with anxiety resulting from their struggles. We are so thankful that they made it safely here and have been granted refugee status.
This year, my children wanted to ride again. In April, they started telling us how much they want to ride. So, here they are, preparing for another ride day. Steve and I will be chasing them with Kian on somebody's back. :) If you would like to support them financially, click here to support Aris and here to support Zane. Please keep us in prayer on Saturday that we would participate well, being kind towards each other and not impatient even when exhaustion sets in. Click here to see this year's awesome ride video. It details the history and the importance of the ride. Together, we can change the world.
This is the second year that my children have ridden. Last year they chose to ride after becoming friends with a refugee family at their school. This family had fled persecution in Africa because of their faith. The mother had been jailed, and the father remains there in prison. His crime? Pastoring a church not approved by the government. They have four beautiful children ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old. The second youngest struggles with anxiety resulting from their struggles. We are so thankful that they made it safely here and have been granted refugee status.
This year, my children wanted to ride again. In April, they started telling us how much they want to ride. So, here they are, preparing for another ride day. Steve and I will be chasing them with Kian on somebody's back. :) If you would like to support them financially, click here to support Aris and here to support Zane. Please keep us in prayer on Saturday that we would participate well, being kind towards each other and not impatient even when exhaustion sets in. Click here to see this year's awesome ride video. It details the history and the importance of the ride. Together, we can change the world.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Blessings of Failure
I'm joining with Marla and friends for week 3 of the Radical Read-Along. This week's chapter is on the importance of relying on God's power.
In this culture, we are told that it is possible to achieve any goal if we work hard enough. There is inspirational story after inspirational story about a boy or girl who grew up rough, worked three jobs, put themselves through university, never ever gave up, ate crackers for one whole year and now is the chief cardio surgeon at a major hospital, university professor, billionaire entrepreneur, president, lawyer, fill-in-the-blank. We tell our children that they can be anything they want to be, that they can achieve any goal if they put their minds to it. This is a can-do culture. There is no obstacle that creativity, determination, ingenuity and hard work can't overcome. And in this culture, we really don't need God for anything other than a feel good fix, a sense of morality or someone to thank during our acceptance speech.
That's sad. And wrong.
We don't hear about the people who fail. We hear about those who fail and succeed, but not the ones that work their tushies off only to burn out or fall ill because of the immense physical and emotional stress that comes with that lifestyle. We don't hear about the ones who try their best only to be consistently told that it isn't good enough. Not only do we not talk about them, they're the ones we look down on. The ones that couldn't just rise above, couldn't make it on their own but instead dropped out, filed for bankruptcy, or started popping pills and attending regular therapy sessions to cope with depression or other mental health issues.
Can you guess which category I'm in?
I would label myself as a failure. I've struggled with depression since I was a young child, was severely bullied on several occasions and just generally didn't fit in. I'm not crafty, not athletic, mathematically challenged, and definitely not a good housekeeper! I dropped out of university on the verge of burnout after working full-time and attending school full-time because I was single and pregnant with my first child. Currently I'm battling both chronic fatigue and post-traumatic stress disorder. Neither of these are fun. Both of these illnesses easily earn me the failure label. However, in my failures, I've learned something amazing.
Failure isn't a bad thing. Neither is being inadequate.
The amazing thing about failure is that it points us to God. Doesn't just point us there, failure sends us directly to God, often on our knees. I cry out to God because I am dependent on Him. My crisis pregnancy was really a lifesaver, because through that horrible experience I came back to God and met Him in a whole new way. When I lost my ability to walk in the last months of my pregnancy, I spent most of my time praying and in the Word. Failure was a very good thing for me.
Failure doesn't just force me to depend on God, it means that I give Him all the glory. The Scripture says that no one comes to God unless he or she is called by the Holy Spirit. That's easy to forget when we have a rocking worship band, a well-spoken pastor, an uber-friendly congregation, dynamic small groups and a great outreach program. Platt says" I am frightened by the reality that the church I lead can carry on most of our activities smoothly, efficiently, even successfully, never realizing that the Holy Spirit of God is virtually absent from the picture"(p.50). This frightens me. I don't want to be so reliant on my own abilities that I stop relying on the awesome power of the Holy Spirit who can do more than I can ask or imagine.
Another good thing about being inadequate is that I have seen God show up and do something amazing. About three years ago, I connected with a young single mom. It was a God-thing in and how we met, with both of us being in the right place at the right time and then me stepping completely out of my comfort zone, chasing her down, knocking on her door and introducing myself. Strangely, she didn't run away. We became friends, but I felt as if I failed her. I didn't try hard enough to connect, didn't chase her down more, didn't speak more about God to her. She'd randomly show up at my door, often when I was in the middle of chaos, I'd invite her in and we'd chat. One day we hung out and she revealed that she'd recently became a Christian. That was awesome! But still, she struggled and wandered and I was busy with my own life. Several months ago, I worried about how much I had failed her. It made me sad. Then a couple weeks later, she was back in my life. As we talked, I was amazed to learn how much I had encouraged and supported her when I felt the opposite. For me, this was God's way of saying "It is not about you! Not at all!" She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and is a very special friend of mine. I honestly can't take the credit for that.
In the last couple months, I've had other encounters like that. Places where I wasn't good enough, didn't put enough in and God showed up and did something amazing, far beyond what I had hoped or dreamed. I've learned a lot about what God can do. I've also learned about what I need to do. It's simple: I need to believe, obey and pray.
I've written before about BHAGs. After seeing what God has done and after reading this chapter of Radical, about the Holy Spirit's indwelling power, I have a new Big Hairy Audacious Goal. Currently I am praying that God will bring every person in my children's school, from the principal down to the extended family members of the students to a saving knowledge of Christ. Can I do this? Nope, not at all. Can God? Well, He saved about three thousand people in one day in Acts, so I'm pretty sure a school of about 200 students in a year isn't a challenge. :)
My encouragement to you is to not let failure discourage you. Rather, embrace the One who is able to do all things. If you try to be perfect, it's okay to stop. Let God be at work in you this year. As you fail, rejoice in the amazing things He does. Don't just stop there though. I challenge you to set a crazy God-sized goal that only He can fulfill. Then pray and see what He can do. It might not look the way you expect, but it's bound to be spectacular.
In this culture, we are told that it is possible to achieve any goal if we work hard enough. There is inspirational story after inspirational story about a boy or girl who grew up rough, worked three jobs, put themselves through university, never ever gave up, ate crackers for one whole year and now is the chief cardio surgeon at a major hospital, university professor, billionaire entrepreneur, president, lawyer, fill-in-the-blank. We tell our children that they can be anything they want to be, that they can achieve any goal if they put their minds to it. This is a can-do culture. There is no obstacle that creativity, determination, ingenuity and hard work can't overcome. And in this culture, we really don't need God for anything other than a feel good fix, a sense of morality or someone to thank during our acceptance speech.
That's sad. And wrong.
We don't hear about the people who fail. We hear about those who fail and succeed, but not the ones that work their tushies off only to burn out or fall ill because of the immense physical and emotional stress that comes with that lifestyle. We don't hear about the ones who try their best only to be consistently told that it isn't good enough. Not only do we not talk about them, they're the ones we look down on. The ones that couldn't just rise above, couldn't make it on their own but instead dropped out, filed for bankruptcy, or started popping pills and attending regular therapy sessions to cope with depression or other mental health issues.
Can you guess which category I'm in?
I would label myself as a failure. I've struggled with depression since I was a young child, was severely bullied on several occasions and just generally didn't fit in. I'm not crafty, not athletic, mathematically challenged, and definitely not a good housekeeper! I dropped out of university on the verge of burnout after working full-time and attending school full-time because I was single and pregnant with my first child. Currently I'm battling both chronic fatigue and post-traumatic stress disorder. Neither of these are fun. Both of these illnesses easily earn me the failure label. However, in my failures, I've learned something amazing.
Failure isn't a bad thing. Neither is being inadequate.
The amazing thing about failure is that it points us to God. Doesn't just point us there, failure sends us directly to God, often on our knees. I cry out to God because I am dependent on Him. My crisis pregnancy was really a lifesaver, because through that horrible experience I came back to God and met Him in a whole new way. When I lost my ability to walk in the last months of my pregnancy, I spent most of my time praying and in the Word. Failure was a very good thing for me.
Failure doesn't just force me to depend on God, it means that I give Him all the glory. The Scripture says that no one comes to God unless he or she is called by the Holy Spirit. That's easy to forget when we have a rocking worship band, a well-spoken pastor, an uber-friendly congregation, dynamic small groups and a great outreach program. Platt says" I am frightened by the reality that the church I lead can carry on most of our activities smoothly, efficiently, even successfully, never realizing that the Holy Spirit of God is virtually absent from the picture"(p.50). This frightens me. I don't want to be so reliant on my own abilities that I stop relying on the awesome power of the Holy Spirit who can do more than I can ask or imagine.
Another good thing about being inadequate is that I have seen God show up and do something amazing. About three years ago, I connected with a young single mom. It was a God-thing in and how we met, with both of us being in the right place at the right time and then me stepping completely out of my comfort zone, chasing her down, knocking on her door and introducing myself. Strangely, she didn't run away. We became friends, but I felt as if I failed her. I didn't try hard enough to connect, didn't chase her down more, didn't speak more about God to her. She'd randomly show up at my door, often when I was in the middle of chaos, I'd invite her in and we'd chat. One day we hung out and she revealed that she'd recently became a Christian. That was awesome! But still, she struggled and wandered and I was busy with my own life. Several months ago, I worried about how much I had failed her. It made me sad. Then a couple weeks later, she was back in my life. As we talked, I was amazed to learn how much I had encouraged and supported her when I felt the opposite. For me, this was God's way of saying "It is not about you! Not at all!" She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and is a very special friend of mine. I honestly can't take the credit for that.
In the last couple months, I've had other encounters like that. Places where I wasn't good enough, didn't put enough in and God showed up and did something amazing, far beyond what I had hoped or dreamed. I've learned a lot about what God can do. I've also learned about what I need to do. It's simple: I need to believe, obey and pray.
I've written before about BHAGs. After seeing what God has done and after reading this chapter of Radical, about the Holy Spirit's indwelling power, I have a new Big Hairy Audacious Goal. Currently I am praying that God will bring every person in my children's school, from the principal down to the extended family members of the students to a saving knowledge of Christ. Can I do this? Nope, not at all. Can God? Well, He saved about three thousand people in one day in Acts, so I'm pretty sure a school of about 200 students in a year isn't a challenge. :)
My encouragement to you is to not let failure discourage you. Rather, embrace the One who is able to do all things. If you try to be perfect, it's okay to stop. Let God be at work in you this year. As you fail, rejoice in the amazing things He does. Don't just stop there though. I challenge you to set a crazy God-sized goal that only He can fulfill. Then pray and see what He can do. It might not look the way you expect, but it's bound to be spectacular.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Milk
I'm joining with Marla for week two of the Radical Read-along.
May I take a moment to say that this book, specifically this chapter, has changed my life? I know, I know, this sounds so cliched and overused, but really it has. So last month, I started reading Radical. Now, I get so wrapped up into books that I don't typically notice chapter breaks. Until I sat down to re-read Chapter 1, I thought that the part that impacted me the most was the first chapter. Nope, it was the second one. I need to preface this post that there is just too much to cover properly in one post. I've decided that I'm going to just stick with describing how it changed my life. However, that leaves out a lot of really good important material. I may have to post again. We'll see. Anyhoo....here's my story.
What hit me the most in this chapter was the insatiable hunger that the persecuted church has for God's word. I do not have that hunger. For most of my life, I've read the Bible daily. I've gone through fasts where I've only read God's Word. But to be honest, that's been out of a sense of obligation. My pastors say that God speaks to me through His word, so I'm going to read it. But for the most part, I'd prefer a novel. And since I typically am reading something interesting, I often skimp on my Bible reading or approach it with a sense of duty rather than with anything close to hunger.
Reading about the intense hunger these believers had for God's Word really convicted me. For years I've journaled my prayers, so I grabbed my Bible and my journal and headed outside. Sitting next to my forest, I prayed, confessed my reluctance to read God's word, asked for a holy hunger and then began to read where I had left off. This verse leaped off the page and grabbed me by the throat: "Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment, now that you have had a taste of the Lord's kindness." 1 Peter 2:2-3
It's hard for me to explain fully how deeply that verse impacted me. I should probably mention that I'm a lactavist. I've exclusively breastfed my three babies and believe that breastmilk is normal for human babies. Although I am very sensitive to the intense emotion surrounding feeding choices, I strongly believe that babies should be breastfed or given human milk in place of formula. After reading the verses above, I suddenly looked at my faith through the lenses of a lactivist. I have to say I was horrified with what was revealed.
Although I hold up the Bible as the Inspired Word of God suitable for instruction, discipline and encouragement, I don't live that way. Rather I've implemented my own form of "Breast is Best" whereby Scripture is best, but second best is okay. Reading devotionals, Christian fiction or inspirational books or even some great blogs are just as good as reading the Bible. I skim through my Bible reading or only half listen during the sermon because after all, I already know what's in the Bible, right? I desire spiritual junk food, a heavily processed and salted gospel, rather than the pure spiritual milk. As a result, I've wandered. The previous verse(1 Peter 2:1) tells us to get rid of all evil behaviours. He gives a list including unkind speech. I'm sure the others apply, but as I've rejected the Bible, my speech became unkind. I grew even more sarcastic, accusing, short-tempered and prone to gossip. In fact, I became addicted to gossip and forgot how to converse without gossipping. Those memories fill me with shame. (I should insert here that God has been dealing with me on gossipping for the past two years. He began the process after an innocent conversation with an unbelieving neighbour first revealed how wrong gossip is. It's still an area of temptation for me, but one in which I've seen huge victory.)
As you can imagine, reading those verses immediately after reading the accounts of those hungry believers had an immediate impact. I began a new practice of reading my Bible with my journal in hand. I would read and then write out my prayers, digging into the Bible in a whole new way. I've kept up that practice in the days and weeks that have followed. It's been almost a month now of reading, praying and digging deeper. I'm moving through the Scriptures slowly, verse by verse, sometimes skipping backwards if a verse grabs me or rereading entire passages for days in a row. And in the process I'm learning something new. God is speaking to me through His word. There have been several times now where I have cried out to God and then been answered the very next day by a verse I was reading. It is an incredible experience. Also slightly shocking, since I'm not used to reading the Bible like a Skype chat conversation.
Writing this is hard. I am ashamed to reveal my previous passivity towards God's Word. It pains me to see how deep sin got a foothold in my life as a result. But it is so exciting to see that as I read in this daily new way, God changes me. The growth in my life has been spectacular this past month. My prayer is that I will continue to desire Him and will crave His Word more and more.
May I take a moment to say that this book, specifically this chapter, has changed my life? I know, I know, this sounds so cliched and overused, but really it has. So last month, I started reading Radical. Now, I get so wrapped up into books that I don't typically notice chapter breaks. Until I sat down to re-read Chapter 1, I thought that the part that impacted me the most was the first chapter. Nope, it was the second one. I need to preface this post that there is just too much to cover properly in one post. I've decided that I'm going to just stick with describing how it changed my life. However, that leaves out a lot of really good important material. I may have to post again. We'll see. Anyhoo....here's my story.
What hit me the most in this chapter was the insatiable hunger that the persecuted church has for God's word. I do not have that hunger. For most of my life, I've read the Bible daily. I've gone through fasts where I've only read God's Word. But to be honest, that's been out of a sense of obligation. My pastors say that God speaks to me through His word, so I'm going to read it. But for the most part, I'd prefer a novel. And since I typically am reading something interesting, I often skimp on my Bible reading or approach it with a sense of duty rather than with anything close to hunger.
Reading about the intense hunger these believers had for God's Word really convicted me. For years I've journaled my prayers, so I grabbed my Bible and my journal and headed outside. Sitting next to my forest, I prayed, confessed my reluctance to read God's word, asked for a holy hunger and then began to read where I had left off. This verse leaped off the page and grabbed me by the throat: "Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment, now that you have had a taste of the Lord's kindness." 1 Peter 2:2-3
It's hard for me to explain fully how deeply that verse impacted me. I should probably mention that I'm a lactavist. I've exclusively breastfed my three babies and believe that breastmilk is normal for human babies. Although I am very sensitive to the intense emotion surrounding feeding choices, I strongly believe that babies should be breastfed or given human milk in place of formula. After reading the verses above, I suddenly looked at my faith through the lenses of a lactivist. I have to say I was horrified with what was revealed.
Although I hold up the Bible as the Inspired Word of God suitable for instruction, discipline and encouragement, I don't live that way. Rather I've implemented my own form of "Breast is Best" whereby Scripture is best, but second best is okay. Reading devotionals, Christian fiction or inspirational books or even some great blogs are just as good as reading the Bible. I skim through my Bible reading or only half listen during the sermon because after all, I already know what's in the Bible, right? I desire spiritual junk food, a heavily processed and salted gospel, rather than the pure spiritual milk. As a result, I've wandered. The previous verse(1 Peter 2:1) tells us to get rid of all evil behaviours. He gives a list including unkind speech. I'm sure the others apply, but as I've rejected the Bible, my speech became unkind. I grew even more sarcastic, accusing, short-tempered and prone to gossip. In fact, I became addicted to gossip and forgot how to converse without gossipping. Those memories fill me with shame. (I should insert here that God has been dealing with me on gossipping for the past two years. He began the process after an innocent conversation with an unbelieving neighbour first revealed how wrong gossip is. It's still an area of temptation for me, but one in which I've seen huge victory.)
As you can imagine, reading those verses immediately after reading the accounts of those hungry believers had an immediate impact. I began a new practice of reading my Bible with my journal in hand. I would read and then write out my prayers, digging into the Bible in a whole new way. I've kept up that practice in the days and weeks that have followed. It's been almost a month now of reading, praying and digging deeper. I'm moving through the Scriptures slowly, verse by verse, sometimes skipping backwards if a verse grabs me or rereading entire passages for days in a row. And in the process I'm learning something new. God is speaking to me through His word. There have been several times now where I have cried out to God and then been answered the very next day by a verse I was reading. It is an incredible experience. Also slightly shocking, since I'm not used to reading the Bible like a Skype chat conversation.
Writing this is hard. I am ashamed to reveal my previous passivity towards God's Word. It pains me to see how deep sin got a foothold in my life as a result. But it is so exciting to see that as I read in this daily new way, God changes me. The growth in my life has been spectacular this past month. My prayer is that I will continue to desire Him and will crave His Word more and more.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Radical Read-along Chapter 1
Today I'm joining with Marla Taviano in reading through Radical.
Until about a month ago, I was unaware of Radical. Then one day I stumbled across a guest post by Marla and became intrigued. This fall I'm not attending any Bible or book studies and thought this might fill the hole. I wasn't quite sure because the book is about taking back your faith from the American Dream. Not only am I not American, the American Dream isn't something that I buy into, even the Canadian version. Instead, my family has chosen to live by faith on God's provision. Shortly before I met him, my husband left a ridiculously well-paying job to serve with a missions organization. We started our married life on a meagre salary and trusted that God would provide. He has and continues to, but we know that the normal goals of our society, like owning a house, are completely out of our means unless God miraculously provides. It's an interesting place to be.
But as I've read Radical, I've been convinced that this was God-sent. Already, reading Radical has changed my life. But I'll write about that next week. This chapter had different revelations. The biggest was how dangerously off-track my theology has become. See I have grown up a Christian in Canada. Although I live in a very multicultural city, there are plenty of churches and Christians around. We're not a Christian nation, but many of our forefathers were believers which shaped our country. Yeah, Christianity is mocked occasionally as being old-fashioned or too judgemental, but persecution isn't a big deal here. My country, especially the region I live in, is prosperous. Although there are problems, the majority of the poor have a roof over their head, food on the table, and access to schools, medicine and doctors. Life is pretty good here. It's not perfect, but as far as places to live, Canada is amazing. I am so blessed to live here.
And that's the problem. Because somehow my theology went from being blessed to being entitled. Somehow all those passages about being hated because I follow Christ, losing my family and friends or enduring hardship just didn't register. Deep down I believed that if I obeyed Christ, my life would be sunshine and roses. I'm sure part of this comes from growing up in a safe, prosperous nation and some comes from a Christian culture that focusses on the blessings of Christ. Even when the cost of following Christ is preached it doesn't add up with our Christian role models that enjoy both financial success and fame. Maybe our cost of following God is just that I go to church instead of sleeping in on Sunday mornings. And in my complacency, that seems like a high cost indeed. Nothing at all like those who follow Christ knowing that they may die and soon.
Over a year ago, I prayed some dangerous prayers. I asked God to change me. When I wrote that prayer, I was in awe of the amazing work God had done in my life and I was completely sold out to Him. It's probably a good thing I didn't realize what would happen next. God asked me to do something, and I obeyed. With a heart full of trust and love, I did what God asked, confident that nothing but good would come of it. After all, that's what happens when we obey right? God just pours out the blessings. I was not at all prepared for what happened. Within the next month, I was kicked out of ministry, unfriended by a very close friend who was also my mentor and socially ostracized. My world and my theology were turned upside down. As the months passed, God asked us to step out in faith. We continued to obey, often with unexpected and unpleasant results. I was angry at God. Where were the blessings of obedience?
Then I read Radical. I realized how off-base my theology was, how I had turned a God of power and holiness into a vending machine. I obey, He blesses. This is not the God of the Bible. Have you read what happened to the prophets? I have. I guess I just....forgot.
This then is my confession. I confess that I turned God into something comfortable and predictable. I confess that I have been angry with God. I confess that my faith is too comfortable, too easy. I am willing to obey, but not willing to endure hardship for His name's sake. This then is my goal: to count the cost and follow Him, willing to give up friends, family, prestige, reputation and even my life for the privilege of being His.
Until about a month ago, I was unaware of Radical. Then one day I stumbled across a guest post by Marla and became intrigued. This fall I'm not attending any Bible or book studies and thought this might fill the hole. I wasn't quite sure because the book is about taking back your faith from the American Dream. Not only am I not American, the American Dream isn't something that I buy into, even the Canadian version. Instead, my family has chosen to live by faith on God's provision. Shortly before I met him, my husband left a ridiculously well-paying job to serve with a missions organization. We started our married life on a meagre salary and trusted that God would provide. He has and continues to, but we know that the normal goals of our society, like owning a house, are completely out of our means unless God miraculously provides. It's an interesting place to be.
But as I've read Radical, I've been convinced that this was God-sent. Already, reading Radical has changed my life. But I'll write about that next week. This chapter had different revelations. The biggest was how dangerously off-track my theology has become. See I have grown up a Christian in Canada. Although I live in a very multicultural city, there are plenty of churches and Christians around. We're not a Christian nation, but many of our forefathers were believers which shaped our country. Yeah, Christianity is mocked occasionally as being old-fashioned or too judgemental, but persecution isn't a big deal here. My country, especially the region I live in, is prosperous. Although there are problems, the majority of the poor have a roof over their head, food on the table, and access to schools, medicine and doctors. Life is pretty good here. It's not perfect, but as far as places to live, Canada is amazing. I am so blessed to live here.
And that's the problem. Because somehow my theology went from being blessed to being entitled. Somehow all those passages about being hated because I follow Christ, losing my family and friends or enduring hardship just didn't register. Deep down I believed that if I obeyed Christ, my life would be sunshine and roses. I'm sure part of this comes from growing up in a safe, prosperous nation and some comes from a Christian culture that focusses on the blessings of Christ. Even when the cost of following Christ is preached it doesn't add up with our Christian role models that enjoy both financial success and fame. Maybe our cost of following God is just that I go to church instead of sleeping in on Sunday mornings. And in my complacency, that seems like a high cost indeed. Nothing at all like those who follow Christ knowing that they may die and soon.
Over a year ago, I prayed some dangerous prayers. I asked God to change me. When I wrote that prayer, I was in awe of the amazing work God had done in my life and I was completely sold out to Him. It's probably a good thing I didn't realize what would happen next. God asked me to do something, and I obeyed. With a heart full of trust and love, I did what God asked, confident that nothing but good would come of it. After all, that's what happens when we obey right? God just pours out the blessings. I was not at all prepared for what happened. Within the next month, I was kicked out of ministry, unfriended by a very close friend who was also my mentor and socially ostracized. My world and my theology were turned upside down. As the months passed, God asked us to step out in faith. We continued to obey, often with unexpected and unpleasant results. I was angry at God. Where were the blessings of obedience?
Then I read Radical. I realized how off-base my theology was, how I had turned a God of power and holiness into a vending machine. I obey, He blesses. This is not the God of the Bible. Have you read what happened to the prophets? I have. I guess I just....forgot.
This then is my confession. I confess that I turned God into something comfortable and predictable. I confess that I have been angry with God. I confess that my faith is too comfortable, too easy. I am willing to obey, but not willing to endure hardship for His name's sake. This then is my goal: to count the cost and follow Him, willing to give up friends, family, prestige, reputation and even my life for the privilege of being His.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Big Hairy Audacious Goals
Last summer, my church did a series entitled "Wild Goose Chase". It's a book about living abandoned to the Holy Spirit. At one point, we were encouraged to set a BHAG or a Big Hairy Audacious Goal, to choose something so huge, so beyond us that it could only be accomplished by God. Around the same time, I turned 28. This was significant because I have struggled being suicidal since I was eight years old. That's 20 years or two full decades of bondage! Suddenly it struck me that this would be my BHAG. Before God and my small group, I declared that this year would be the end of my bondage. This wasn't a declaration that I made lightly or without a plan. I was plugged into a 12 step program designed to bring freedom from bondage and sin. This would be a year of victory and a freedom, I just knew it.
And then, disaster struck. I followed God's leading, spoke out about some wrongdoing within the church, and was punished. My mentor spoke hateful, hurtful words and cut off our relationship. Friends within the church cut off contact and ostracized me. That was hard, but I knew that God was with me. Three weeks after the initial explosion, my leadership at the recovery program called me and kicked me out. They were concerned about my healing and thought I would be better off elsewhere. After all, they didn't want me to lead anyone else astray. It was a bitter moment.
The year that I thought would be a year of victory became a year of questioning. I stopped reading my Bible and praying because I couldn't trust God anymore. I didn't trust anyone really, not even my husband. My anxiety attacks became worse, especially attending church, but God said I needed to keep going, so I did. I became deeply suicidal. After confiding that I found myself pulling away from all social contact, my mother suggested that perhaps I had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). Rather than relieving my stress because of a potential diagnosis that made sense, that made me angrier with God. Why did I get punished for being obedient? I just want to be a good mom and wife. Having PTSD turns one into a walking time-bomb. How does this bring healing? Does God hate me? Am I amusing God? Does He laugh at my obedience with the angels and label me a sucker? I had and still have a lot of questions.
The seasons came and went, and my birthday rolled around again. In the month leading up to my birthday, I remembered my BHAG. The questions came up again, still without any answers. Then crisis hit. Our pastor announced he was leaving. He and his wife had walked alongside us through our difficult situation. When everyone else had abandoned or disbelieved us, they hadn't. Now they were leaving. What would we do? Would we stay at church? We work with a missions organization that requires its workers to be commissioned by their church. How would this affect Steve's job? After hearing the news at church, Steve and I walked through the day in a fog, crying and praying together. If this stress wasn't enough, my husband's great aunt began the final stage of her journey to heaven. We dropped everything and drove a couple of hours to say goodbye. The next night while we were finishing up a hard meeting with our pastor and another couple, Steve's phone rang. Initially I thought it was his parents letting us know that his great-aunt had passed. Instead it was more crisis. A close family member was near death, which in turn set off a greater crisis within our close family. We seemed caught in a hurricane. Where was God? Why were we being tested beyond what we could bear?
Later that evening, the dam burst. I had a massive freak-out, feeling so abandoned and rejected by God. If God loves me, then where is He? I became so upset that I almost passed out. It was pretty scary. Both Steve and I were freaked out. I felt worse than ever. Why can't I be stable like everybody else? Why do I get upset? Why can't I just trust God like Steve does? Why am I so emotional? And then I realized something big, something so significant that I couldn't help but rejoice. During that freak-out, when I was probably the most upset I've ever been in my life, I wasn't suicidal!!!! Somehow, during that hard year of questioning, God healed me. I've been hesitant to announce my healing, to rejoice just in case I'm not really better. But then two weeks later, we had another tough meeting with church leaders that left me very upset. Later, I melted down and once again, didn't become suicidal. Praise God!
I don't know how God healed me. I don't understand why this hard year was necessary. True, I was forced to make some choices, to choose life even when all felt dark, but was that what was needed? I don't know. I don't have good answers. All I know is that God did a great powerful miraculous work in my life when I thought it was impossible. There is still much more healing that needs to happen both within me and my church family. I'm clinging to the promise that nothing is impossible with God and backing that up with the very real work He has done in my life. I don't know how to end this, so I'm going to steal these words from an old hymn: To God be the glory, great things He has done!
And then, disaster struck. I followed God's leading, spoke out about some wrongdoing within the church, and was punished. My mentor spoke hateful, hurtful words and cut off our relationship. Friends within the church cut off contact and ostracized me. That was hard, but I knew that God was with me. Three weeks after the initial explosion, my leadership at the recovery program called me and kicked me out. They were concerned about my healing and thought I would be better off elsewhere. After all, they didn't want me to lead anyone else astray. It was a bitter moment.
The year that I thought would be a year of victory became a year of questioning. I stopped reading my Bible and praying because I couldn't trust God anymore. I didn't trust anyone really, not even my husband. My anxiety attacks became worse, especially attending church, but God said I needed to keep going, so I did. I became deeply suicidal. After confiding that I found myself pulling away from all social contact, my mother suggested that perhaps I had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). Rather than relieving my stress because of a potential diagnosis that made sense, that made me angrier with God. Why did I get punished for being obedient? I just want to be a good mom and wife. Having PTSD turns one into a walking time-bomb. How does this bring healing? Does God hate me? Am I amusing God? Does He laugh at my obedience with the angels and label me a sucker? I had and still have a lot of questions.
The seasons came and went, and my birthday rolled around again. In the month leading up to my birthday, I remembered my BHAG. The questions came up again, still without any answers. Then crisis hit. Our pastor announced he was leaving. He and his wife had walked alongside us through our difficult situation. When everyone else had abandoned or disbelieved us, they hadn't. Now they were leaving. What would we do? Would we stay at church? We work with a missions organization that requires its workers to be commissioned by their church. How would this affect Steve's job? After hearing the news at church, Steve and I walked through the day in a fog, crying and praying together. If this stress wasn't enough, my husband's great aunt began the final stage of her journey to heaven. We dropped everything and drove a couple of hours to say goodbye. The next night while we were finishing up a hard meeting with our pastor and another couple, Steve's phone rang. Initially I thought it was his parents letting us know that his great-aunt had passed. Instead it was more crisis. A close family member was near death, which in turn set off a greater crisis within our close family. We seemed caught in a hurricane. Where was God? Why were we being tested beyond what we could bear?
Later that evening, the dam burst. I had a massive freak-out, feeling so abandoned and rejected by God. If God loves me, then where is He? I became so upset that I almost passed out. It was pretty scary. Both Steve and I were freaked out. I felt worse than ever. Why can't I be stable like everybody else? Why do I get upset? Why can't I just trust God like Steve does? Why am I so emotional? And then I realized something big, something so significant that I couldn't help but rejoice. During that freak-out, when I was probably the most upset I've ever been in my life, I wasn't suicidal!!!! Somehow, during that hard year of questioning, God healed me. I've been hesitant to announce my healing, to rejoice just in case I'm not really better. But then two weeks later, we had another tough meeting with church leaders that left me very upset. Later, I melted down and once again, didn't become suicidal. Praise God!
I don't know how God healed me. I don't understand why this hard year was necessary. True, I was forced to make some choices, to choose life even when all felt dark, but was that what was needed? I don't know. I don't have good answers. All I know is that God did a great powerful miraculous work in my life when I thought it was impossible. There is still much more healing that needs to happen both within me and my church family. I'm clinging to the promise that nothing is impossible with God and backing that up with the very real work He has done in my life. I don't know how to end this, so I'm going to steal these words from an old hymn: To God be the glory, great things He has done!
Introduction
My name is Grace. I'm a follower of Christ, a wife, and a mother of three beautiful, spirited children. I'm passionate about eating local, feeding the hungry, breastfeeding and birth(I'm working on my doula certification), building and living in community and following Christ. But writing it out like that sounds so...fake. Because really I'm just a girl, not even thirty, who is pretty broken and tries to find Chist in the middle of that. That's where this blog comes in. I have another blog, started in the middle of a very hard year. While sweeping my floor, I was challenged to look for God's goodness in midst of my crazy full life. On that blog, I try to write every day as a way to keep myself focussed on the good. My mom reads it and she calls when I haven't posted to ask why. Nothing like moms to keep one accountable, even online. :)
This blog comes out of something different. For most of my life, even as a Christian, I struggled with addiction, depression and suicidal thoughts. The church I grew up in was very legalistic and I began to believe that I wasn't good enough for God. I read my Bible and prayed, but still remained broken. Those areas of brokenness were buried pretty deep beneath the surface. Most of the people in my life labelled me a good little Christian girl, but I knew better. Eventually I walked away from the Church for about a year and a half. And in that walking away, God did something amazing. Through a crisis pregnancy, He stripped away all of my self-deception and began a journey of healing that is nothing short of miraculous. Thankfully, He's still not done.
After my daughter was born, I joined a church plant that held values of transparency, vulnerability, and restoration. Coming out of such intense self-deception, this was life-giving for me. Finally a church that accepted and loved broken people! But we are all broken, and it's hard to love others where they are when we walk away from the Source to do it on our own. Last year that resulted in my mentor speaking hurtful words to me and social ostracism from the church. I wanted to revert to my nice comfortable masks, but I knew that way leads to spiritual death. Still, it just hurt too much!
Then my friend wrote a beautiful post about being real. She got me thinking and I responded to her Facebook post which then ended up in her post. Then I wrote about it on my happy blog. Thus both the title and the concept behind this blog. This is where I hope to be honest about my struggles as I try to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. This will also be where I write my thoughts on the Radical Read-along. Anyhoo, be welcomed to my bare-souled journey and please feel free to walk along with me. Much love, gracie:)
This blog comes out of something different. For most of my life, even as a Christian, I struggled with addiction, depression and suicidal thoughts. The church I grew up in was very legalistic and I began to believe that I wasn't good enough for God. I read my Bible and prayed, but still remained broken. Those areas of brokenness were buried pretty deep beneath the surface. Most of the people in my life labelled me a good little Christian girl, but I knew better. Eventually I walked away from the Church for about a year and a half. And in that walking away, God did something amazing. Through a crisis pregnancy, He stripped away all of my self-deception and began a journey of healing that is nothing short of miraculous. Thankfully, He's still not done.
After my daughter was born, I joined a church plant that held values of transparency, vulnerability, and restoration. Coming out of such intense self-deception, this was life-giving for me. Finally a church that accepted and loved broken people! But we are all broken, and it's hard to love others where they are when we walk away from the Source to do it on our own. Last year that resulted in my mentor speaking hurtful words to me and social ostracism from the church. I wanted to revert to my nice comfortable masks, but I knew that way leads to spiritual death. Still, it just hurt too much!
Then my friend wrote a beautiful post about being real. She got me thinking and I responded to her Facebook post which then ended up in her post. Then I wrote about it on my happy blog. Thus both the title and the concept behind this blog. This is where I hope to be honest about my struggles as I try to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. This will also be where I write my thoughts on the Radical Read-along. Anyhoo, be welcomed to my bare-souled journey and please feel free to walk along with me. Much love, gracie:)
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