Dying to Self

 Once again, I'm joining with Marla for chapter 8 of the Radical Read-along.  Chapter 8 is entitled "Living When Dying is Gain: The risk and reward of the radical life."  This may be a very brief post as my hand is very sore and numb tonight.

 Living when dying is gain.  Huh.  Those are some very big words, but not ones I like,  although this is a concept that I can currently grasp well.  Lately, death looks much better than life.  But this sentiment comes more from a desire to escape current struggles than it does from meditation on being finally in God's presence, in our forever home.  Far too often, this life, with its worldly comforts,  is where I want to stay.

 Dr. Platt's main focus was on those who left everything, sacrificed their comforts, safety and in some cases their lives for the greater glory of God.  I certainly don't want to make light of their sacrifices, but sometimes leaving it all and experiencing physical death seems, I don't know, easier than walking through other forms of dying for Christ.  Dying to self can be much harder when it means remaining in the culture, in the same social circles, but choosing a life that leads to ostracism. After facing rejection and ridicule by friends, family and the Church, being eaten by cannibals sounds appealing.  At least it would be over much quicker.

 Much to my dismay, last autumn, I discovered what obedience to God could cost me.  I obeyed and lost much.  I lost my reputation, my ministry, my friends, my health and now my church.  Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my sanity too.  During this time, obedience seems far too costly.  But what if I look at this through the filter of Jim Elliot's quote that he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose? Then my journey takes on a different hue.  Losing all of these things, especially my reputation and friends has been immensely difficult.  But I would much rather have lost all this then stand before the Father and be revealed disobedient.

 Recently I have been angry with God.  I've been angry over the cost of discipleship and obedience.  When I'm looking the right way, I see what God is doing through this both in my life and in the lives of others.  Without the events of last fall, I would not have started writing my blogs.  Both the outlet and the community I've found here have been blessings.  Without the loss of my friendships and church community, I wouldn't have started building deep friendships within my neighbourhood and school community.  These have both been a blessing and my mission ground.  As of yet, no one has come to Christ but we have planted seeds which we continue to water and search for more fertile ground in which to sow more seeds.  My marriage has grown significantly during this time of trial, as have several of my remaining friendships.  I have a lot more understanding of what it means to suffer.

 But there are other times when I don't see the rainbow, just the storm.  When I view my current struggles through the lenses of our cultural Christianity, I wonder why God is rejecting me.  In that respect, this chapter has been a much needed wake-up call.  Contrary to the North American version of Christianity, this isn't for wimps.  We aren't called to be blessed and coddled, to be rewarded materially whenever we obey.  We are called to a war, where people die and are injured as they seek to liberate captives and destroy strongholds.  I don't want to be a solider that quits, that whines over the realities of war and ends up either destroyed, taken captive or fighting for the other side.  Instead I'd much rather live a life of crazy obedience to my Commanding Officer, one that may earn me reprimands but will ultimately bring glory to Him.   Will my name ever end up on a list of heroes of the faith?  I doubt it.  But I hope to live a life of such obedience that when I finally do die, I can stand before the Throne knowing that I did not hold back, I did not waver, but that I lived a life that brought Him glory.

 I guess this means I have to quit whining. :)