This post has been on my heart for quite awhile. This morning while I was mulling over it once again, the phrase "friends don't let friends...." popped into my head. Later I logged onto Facebook to find that a friend had posted an article on the sale of personal information by third party applications. My friend then commented "Friends don't let friends use Facebook/Farmville". I found that amusing and somewhat eerily appropriate.
Our culture perceives friends to be supportive, encouraging individuals, ones that can speak into our lives. In Proverbs it says that as iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen friends. Friends are not just those people that we have a great time with, but also those that challenge us to be better people. They can be the ones that warn us of potential danger resulting from our decisions. And they can also be the people who love us as God does, unconditionally.
However, in the last several years I've noticed a pattern emerge. Perhaps this is just common in the circles I'm in, but it disturbs me. Perhaps this has to do with our culture of acceptance and acknowledgement that we are all different. Instead of being the friends that challenge, we have become the friends that accept. Yes, unconditional love and acceptance are wonderful, but not at the cost of watering down truth. Instead of asking our friends if their decision is wise, we bite our tongues, paste a smile on and congratulate them. Why? Because in many cases, we don't want to hurt their feelings or ruin the friendship.
This feel-good friendship can be bad enough when applied to decisions. When it concerns wrongdoing on the part of our friends, the impact is disastrous. Perhaps you've seen this happen. Someone hurts someone else. Perhaps it was intentional, perhaps not. Regardless of the intent, a person is left hurting. This doesn't just affect the individual but the surrounding community. Perhaps a ministry leader spoke unkindly out of haste or personal hurt. When those in the community, perhaps close friends, learn of their friend's wound I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Many of these friends cannot believe or accept that the other friend would do such a thing. Rather than choosing to love their friend/ministry leader while acknowledging that he or she has made a mistake, they rebuke the other person for being hurt. Often friendships are ended, a person is silenced or even cast out from the community because we cannot acknowledging that our friends and leaders have made mistakes.
My brothers and sisters, this should not be! Friendship should not mean a refusal to accept that our friends do the wrong things. Friendship should hopefully be deep enough that we can love our friends even when they make mistakes. Personally, I want my friends to be able to confront me when I'm making mistakes and behaving badly. Yes, I want them to love me even when I screw up, but I also expect them to gently rebuke me as needed.
I am very blessed to have a best friend who does this. We have been friends since our first year of high school. She loves me very much even when I do things she doesn't agree with. Sometimes our conversations are uncomfortable because she refuses to agree with me just because. Instead she challenges my thinking and sometimes my decisions. She affirms me while acknowledging my mistakes and struggles. This isn't a feel-good friendship, but one in which I am continually being sharpened. One of the biggest blessings of this type of friendship is that I know she isn't saying one thing to my face and another to my back.
Although I can identify a problem, it's harder to come up with a solution. How does one fix something so deep rooted? For me, I have determined to speak truth. Part of this has been learning to control my own tongue in conversation and then challenge my friends to do the same. Together we are breaking the hold gossip has had on our conversations. With other friends, my challenge has been to gently remind them of the truth. Sometimes it is easier to bash our family members, especially husbands and children, than it is to focus on our behaviour. I have also chosen to be open about my struggles as a wife and mother, especially when I fail. Not only do I want true friends, I also want to be one. That means being honest and held accountable even as I do the same in turn.
What does being a good friend mean to you?
Amen, Grace. You said a lot in a few words and are dead on. I'm glad you're my friend - and yes, sometimes you challenge me in ways I don't want to be challenged - but you already knew that, didn't you?
ReplyDeleteFriendship is about living authentically and knowing we aren't perfect and will love through all the crud and muck... walking WITH them!!! I see, too often, people who are willing to point out the speck and then leave them to handle it on their own. I believe true friends love with buckets full of grace!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog and for your kind comment. It is so nice to meet you!
ReplyDeleteYour words are filled with so much wisdom. A Twila Paris song kept running through my mind as I read it. A portion of it says, "You are a true friend, pointing me to Him." I think that is the most loving thing we can do for our friends. I am blessed to have friends who do just that. It isn't always easy to hear, but it is always right.
Have a blessed weekend!
You are right - friends should tell each other the TRUTH, regardless of how it feels or not. When we try to keep our friends happy instead of holy, we're not truly loving them. It is a hard thing to do, and a hard thing to accept from someone else, but if we take the view of eternity, it's the right and loving thing to do.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you as you grapple with this issue. It's a hard one and it sadly sometimes separates who our true spiritual friends are from who are "social" friends are.