Big Hairy Audacious Goals

 Last summer, my church did a series entitled "Wild Goose Chase".  It's a book about living abandoned to the Holy Spirit.   At one point, we were encouraged to set a BHAG or a Big Hairy Audacious Goal, to choose something so huge, so beyond us that it could only be accomplished by God.  Around the same time, I turned 28.  This was significant because I have struggled being suicidal since I was eight years old.  That's 20 years or two full decades of bondage!  Suddenly it struck me that this would be my BHAG.  Before God and my small group, I declared that this year would be the end of my bondage.  This wasn't a declaration that I made lightly or without a plan.  I was plugged into a 12 step program designed to bring freedom from bondage and sin.  This would be a year of victory and a freedom, I just knew it.

 And then, disaster struck.  I followed God's leading, spoke out about some wrongdoing within the church, and was punished.  My mentor spoke hateful, hurtful words and cut off our relationship.  Friends within the church cut off contact and ostracized me.  That was hard, but I knew that God was with me.  Three weeks after the initial explosion,  my leadership at the recovery program called me and kicked me out.  They were concerned about my healing and thought I would be better off elsewhere.  After all, they didn't want me to lead anyone else astray.  It was a bitter moment.

 The year that I thought would be a year of victory became a year of questioning.  I stopped reading my Bible and praying because I couldn't trust God anymore.  I didn't trust anyone really, not even my husband.  My anxiety attacks became worse, especially attending church, but God said I needed to keep going, so I did.  I became deeply suicidal.  After confiding that I found myself pulling away from all social contact, my mother suggested that perhaps I had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD).  Rather than relieving my stress because of a potential diagnosis that made sense, that made me angrier with God.  Why did I get punished for being obedient?  I just want to be a good mom and wife.   Having PTSD turns one into a walking time-bomb.  How does this bring healing?  Does God hate me?  Am I amusing God? Does He laugh at my obedience with the angels and label me a sucker?   I had and still have a lot of questions.

 The seasons came and went, and my birthday rolled around again.  In the month leading up to my birthday, I remembered my BHAG.  The questions came up again, still without any answers.  Then crisis hit.  Our pastor announced he was leaving.  He and his wife had walked alongside us through our difficult situation.  When everyone else had abandoned or disbelieved us, they hadn't.  Now they were leaving.  What would we do?  Would we stay at church?  We work with a missions organization that requires its workers to be commissioned by their church.  How would this affect Steve's job?   After hearing the news at church,  Steve and I walked through the day in a fog, crying and praying together.   If this stress wasn't enough,  my husband's great aunt began the final stage of her journey to heaven.  We dropped everything and drove a couple of hours to say goodbye.  The next night while we were finishing up a hard meeting with our pastor and another couple, Steve's phone rang.  Initially I thought it was his parents letting us know that his great-aunt had passed.  Instead it was more crisis.  A close family member was near death, which in turn set off a greater crisis within our close family.  We seemed caught in a hurricane.  Where was God? Why were we being tested beyond what we could bear?

 Later that evening, the dam burst.  I had a massive freak-out, feeling so abandoned and rejected by God.  If God loves me, then where is He?  I became so upset that I almost passed out.  It was pretty scary.  Both Steve and I were freaked out.  I felt worse than ever.  Why can't I be stable like everybody else?  Why do I get upset?  Why can't I just trust God like Steve does?  Why am I so emotional?  And then I realized something big, something so significant that I couldn't help but rejoice.  During that freak-out, when I was probably the most upset I've ever been in my life,  I wasn't suicidal!!!! Somehow, during that hard year of questioning, God healed me.  I've been hesitant to announce my healing, to rejoice just in case I'm not really better.  But then two weeks later,  we had another tough meeting with church leaders that left me very upset.  Later, I melted down and once again, didn't become suicidal.   Praise God!

 I don't know how God healed me.  I don't understand why this hard year was necessary.  True, I was forced to make some choices, to choose life even when all felt dark,  but was that what was needed?  I don't know.  I don't have good answers.  All I know is that God did a great powerful miraculous work in my life when I thought it was impossible.   There is still much more healing that needs to happen both within me and my church family.  I'm clinging to the promise that nothing is impossible with God and backing that up with the very real work He has done in my life.   I don't know how to end this, so I'm going to steal these words from an old hymn: To God be the glory, great things He has done!