My heart is divided. I don't want it to be, but it is. Sometimes I even try to pretend that my heart is whole, just a little cracked. But the reality is that I waver between being faith-filled and consumed by doubt. One moment I'm moving forward in faith, trusting in God's goodness; the next I'm cowering in fear, consumed by doubt and pain. It's hard to get anything accomplished while living on see-saw.
James has harsh words for me:
Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
His words describe me well. I am unstable, trusting that God is good one moment and then overwhelmed with the notion that He has abandoned me or is capricious the next. My life reflects this as does my faith. It's hard to invest in my relationship with God when I'm unconvinced of His character. And how can God answer my prayers when I spend half of my time accusing Him?
I've repented of my divided heart, asked for forgiveness and healing. I want to trust God, I want to move forward in faith. So now I make the choice. I choose to trust God, to trust that He is indeed good and that His mercies do endure forever. Not only that, but I'm actively looking for His mercies, the blessings of protection, beauty and goodness that He strews along my path.
I'm climbing off this see-saw and running for the beach, where I will dive headlong into the ocean of His grace.
I'm writing with Marla today as we study the book of James. Join with us?