My heart is divided. I don't want it to be, but it is. Sometimes I even try to pretend that my heart is whole, just a little cracked. But the reality is that I waver between being faith-filled and consumed by doubt. One moment I'm moving forward in faith, trusting in God's goodness; the next I'm cowering in fear, consumed by doubt and pain. It's hard to get anything accomplished while living on see-saw.
James has harsh words for me:
Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
James 1:6-8
His words describe me well. I am unstable, trusting that God is good one moment and then overwhelmed with the notion that He has abandoned me or is capricious the next. My life reflects this as does my faith. It's hard to invest in my relationship with God when I'm unconvinced of His character. And how can God answer my prayers when I spend half of my time accusing Him?
I've repented of my divided heart, asked for forgiveness and healing. I want to trust God, I want to move forward in faith. So now I make the choice. I choose to trust God, to trust that He is indeed good and that His mercies do endure forever. Not only that, but I'm actively looking for His mercies, the blessings of protection, beauty and goodness that He strews along my path.
I'm climbing off this see-saw and running for the beach, where I will dive headlong into the ocean of His grace.
I'm writing with Marla today as we study the book of James. Join with us?
I love this word picture, friend. Climbing off the see-saw and running for the beach. Beautiful. I, too, have been hanging out on the blasted see-saw for too long. Thanks for this perfect reminder. Prayed for you just now!
ReplyDeleteVery encouraging. Will be looking forward to seeing what God does as you step out like this!
ReplyDeleteI, too, struggle with double-mindedness. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Mark 9:24. ”I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” I've been reading "The 4:8 Principle" and a lot of it has to do with not going by what our feelings at any given time are. I can choose how I react to things and how I think. I haven't mastered it yet, maybe one day!
ReplyDeleteDouble mindedness is a tool of the enemy, I am convinced. I so want to be single focused when it comes to my spiritual life, but something is always there to distract and make me question. Looking forward to this journey with you!
ReplyDeletegrrr.... my whole comment just deleted. i basically said OW i needed to hear this and to ask if you'd ever read till we have faces by cs lewis? he speaks of accusing the gods in that book that is very reminiscent of this post.
ReplyDeleteI just randomly found your blog in the list of the "Leap Year" guest bloggers list. I really love this post and it was exactly what I needed to hear, especially the line about "And how can God answer my prayers when I spend half of my time accusing Him?"
DeleteThat describes me so well right now. I am waiting and trusting God to do so many great things in my life, but I'm also railing against Him, being angry with Him, and saying, "Why are You doing this to me, God?!?" It is extremely double-minded, and I greatly appreciate you pointing that out in those terms.
Lately my mind has been so busy stressing, worrying, and praying for deliverance that it's hard to fall asleep at night, it's hard to have any quiet moments with myself, and it's even difficult to stop the inner thoughts long enough to say a coherent prayer! So I've been working on quieting my mind & "being still", and focusing on God, and learning to drown everything else out. It's working, but I still have a long way to go until I can just sit in God's presence and be quiet enough to possibly hear His voice. I think that's what I'm afraid of: that He is trying to speak to me, or move in me, but I'm too stressed & crazed to hear Him. Nice blog! I'll check back! I have 2 blogs, if you'd care to check them out! www.mylsquaredlife.blogspot.com, and www.healthylivingjesusstyle.blogspot.com