Who am I? This question has haunted and challenged me for many years, quite possibly as long as I can remember. There are many answers to this question, some positive, others not so much. Unfortunately, the one that comes to mind first is "Failure". I've been pondering this question and the concept of names(birth, given and secret) over the holidays when I started reading Kary Oberbrunner's book Your Secret Name. Marla chose this book for her winter readalong, which I have decided to participate in once again. This is actually the second week of her readalong, but my arm hurt too much to type last week as I broke my arm over the holidays. So here I am now, attempting to process the many ideas mentioned in YSN. We're reading chapters 3 and 4 this week.
So who am I? I have a hard time answering that question. I could respond with the things that I am passionate about, but then I feel like a fake. I'm not yet a doula as I'm still working on my certification. Although I'm attending births and seeing clients, I'm not officially a doula. I'm scared to claim a name that isn't rightfully mine. Technically we're missionaries, but I haven't been through training because I married in and we live in my hometown. As a stay-at-home mom, I don't have an official missionary-type task, I just talk to people. Mommy is a title that I can definitely claim, but I doubt that my efforts are good enough. There are an awful lot of mothers that do a much better job than me.
As a child, I absorbed the given name of "Not good enough". So I tried very hard, quickly earning the family title of "Responsible One". But I soon learned that "Responsible Child" is short for "One who is in Trouble Whenever Anything Goes Wrong". I really didn't like that name. Names like "Pretty", "Talented", "Funny" and "Smart" were names I aspired to, but my sister scooped up those titles and didn't let go. I tried desperately to be noticed, to be special, but that didn't work either. I tried for attention-getting names like "Anorexic", but my parents didn't notice when I stopped eating for 6 weeks. Eventually I lost heart, believing that "Not good enough" was my God-given name too. That's when I started trying on "Bad Girl". But "Bad Girl" didn't fit right either, although the process of trying it on brought significant and long-term consequences. Although that time is a significant piece of my story, I feel uncomfortable using the words "Bad Girl" because I was more of a wannabe. It was like wearing clothing outside of my comfort zone, that even though I looked good, I felt like everyone who looked at me could tell I was a fake or trying too hard. Being fake sucks.
This concept of a secret name, a new name, a God-given name excites me. I long to be special. The idea of having a special identity, one that is set apart, created for me before I was formed in the womb seems too good to be true. I want to have a good name, one that glorifies God. But almost more that than, I want it to be true. Not something fake or assumed, not something that I have to strive for, but something that fits just right like my favourite pair of jeans and SuperFriends t-shirt. I am both cautiously optimistic and desperately hoping to find my secret name and shed the old names that cling like sand to wet feet.
Wow, Grace. I'm shaking my head at your bravery and awesomeness. Thank you soooo much for sharing all this. My heart hurts for the pain in your past, and I'm praying today that God will bring you into a sweet and beautiful future with a sweet and beautiful name. Love and hugs, friend!
ReplyDeleteGrace. Blessings on you as you open up wide and let the hands of God shape you and name you.
ReplyDeleteOh Grace. Why is it so easy for us to carry the names that bring us so much hurt?
ReplyDeleteWhy is it so hard to hear God whisper our real names in Him? Beloved. Precious. Perfect. Treasure. Beautiful.
Thank you for your honesty - it challenges me to live my life transparently.
Grace, I can say from what I've learned reading your posts from the Radical Read-Along, you are so much more than your Names. I'm sure you're changing the lives of those around you without even noticing you're doing it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOne of the names He has given you is daughter - and He loves you dearly.
ReplyDeleteOh, how this speaks to me. The names we give ourselves...nothing like the name He has for us. One of our dear friends died last August on the mission field. A sweet girl only 26 years old. One of the things her mother said that stuck with me is "Joy has seen her name on the Lord's hand." Wow.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. This post touched me in a tender spot and I am much older than you.
ReplyDeleteI want to look into this book--sounds interesting and healing.
your name is Grace. and i think it rather suits you, and your journey in grace, eh? (and this is totally non-spiritual, but when i was in 2nd grade i read a stroy about a "school" of bubble type thingies that lived in the ocean and they chose their own name at a year old or something, and this one little bubble wanted every name, so she decided to call herself guess, so that when ppl asked her name and she said guess, she could hear all the names she loved.)
ReplyDeleteanyway.... your story and names make my heart squeeze a bit. as one of a set of triplets, labels were hard to avoid. i smart. her pretty. her crazy. we still struggle to shake these shackles sometimes. then there's Victim (of abuse). Poser. Good Girl. Daddy's Girl. The One who left. ahh, the naming. we struggle, always, in our identity-ness. and another anecdote. it reminds me of cslewis's fish-out-of-water regarding the fact that we are timeless beings caught up in things like time pointing us to the fact that we don't belong here. i think the same must be true of our secret god-name. we get labeled here (like little guess, w/ all those names, good and bad) and yet none of them are IT b/cs we aren't meant to be here, w/ that name.
ok, so i've written a novella.
also you aksed if i always knew my hubby and i were going to get married or if we'd talked about it before i bought my dress (before he asked!) and the answer is both! i knew upon meeting him that we would marry. but we'd also talked of marriage and i knew that's where we were headed, and also that a dress was going to take me a while to pay off, so i ordered it early. :)
What a beautiful post. Seriously, now I feel like I need to go read that book asap!
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