Exile and Return

 I'm writing this post for Marla's read-along featuring Your Secret Name by Kary Oberbrunner.  This week we're covering chapters 10 and 11.

 "Exile is temporary."

 The opening sentence of chapter 10 reached out and grabbed me. While writing this, my eyes fill with tears and that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach returns.  Right now, I feel like I'm exile.  It's a nasty feeling.  In September we left our church.  We didn't want to leave, but a broken relationship within the church was tearing us apart.  We were plagued by grief and hurt, chased by bitterness and surrounded by isolation.  Not only were the negative circumstances playing havoc with my health, they were also causing tension within the church.  When our pastor commented that our church felt like a war zone, we decided to leave.  This didn't seem fair as we had tried to resolve the situation, but such tension could not bring glory to God.  So we left as honourably as we possibly could.

 Leaving was both good and hard.  My health slowly improved and I stopped dreading church.  We started attending a church where we have been able to heal.  Worshipping together again has been a blessing as my husband is no longer in charge of the sound board.  Our children really like this church, even our grumpy toddler.   We are very thankful for the healing that has occurred.

 But leaving is hard.  We've had to grieve the loss of relationships, of people we called family.  Among the hardest part is the feeling of failure, that the church is better off without me. During this season of hurt and exile, I have felt like my given name is "Problem".   God (and my husband) continue to whisper different names, ones that offer hope.  But can that hope, can God, be trusted? I struggle.

 I doubt a lot.  I doubt that God can use me, that He does indeed have good plans for me.  I doubt that He can bring about restoration and reconciliation.  Much like Jacob when he learned that Esau was approaching with 400 men, I cannot see peace ahead.  And to be very honest, I'm not sure if I want reconciliation or peace.  Not that I want war, I would just like to stay very far from conflict.  Unfortunately for me, the situation appears to be moving towards reconciliation.  I don't think I have the strength to walk through any more confrontations.

 It would be very easy to walk away, but not only have we committed to walking through this honourably, we also feel called to attend church in our neighbourhood. The church we were attending is the closest church to our house and right next door to the low-income housing complex we are building relationships in.  There are definite advantages to going back to our former church.  But to do this will require a lot of faith and trust.  I don't think I have much of that left.  Unlike Jacob, I don't have the ways and means to come up with alternative plans.  Instead I'm being forced to trust.  So now to wait and see that God really is good, that His plans for me, just like His plans for Jacob, are good.

 I could keep writing because chapter 10 resonated with me.  I think I could have highlighted every other sentence.  Perhaps I'll write again later.