Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. The waves of life crash over me and all I can do is bob helplessly, trying to keep my nose above water. There have been moments recently, where I seem to grasp for breath spiritually, wondering if this is the wave I won't bounce back from.
The waves started coming, albeit mildly, in the spring. Normally I spend my time with God outside during the warmer months. I feel closer to Him, better able to see Him in the green-gold of the grass, the whispering of the trees and the crazy antics of the squirrels. Sitting outside also insulates me from the craziness of what's happening in my house. It's a bit of peace in a loud, chaotic house. (I love my loud, chaotic family. It's just not that conducive to hearing God).
Somehow it didn't quite work out that way. My journal, an essential for my quiet time, disappeared. I still haven't found it. Sometimes the neighbour children would come keep me company. I love them dearly, but it wasn't helpful when I was trying to read Scripture or pray. But the biggest deterrent was my new neighbour. You see, he smokes. Which is fine, but my lungs don't like smoke. When I'm exposed to it, I start coughing and choking. It's very embarrassing especially as I'm sure my neighbour thinks it's a political statement. I wish it didn't bother me, but it did. And every single time I went outside to spend time with God, out came my neighbour to have a smoke. Eventually I gave up even trying out of frustration. My peace eroded and I felt farther and farther from God.
At the same time, I've been increasingly aware that I'm part of the sandwich generation. Life is busy between being a doula as well as a wife and a mom to three kids. Add in my volunteer roles and well, it's even crazier. But now my mom has begun to need more help. I've been her support for over a decade now, but more recently her needs have increased. I love my parents and am glad that I'm able to help out, but it's hard. I've been feeling guilty about that too. I should just be happy that I have parents, that I can support them, that I'm a (mostly) SAHM. I should be thankful that my parents are nearby instead of in a different city, province, country or even continent. But instead I'm just struggling to survive.
Yesterday I sat at my computer and cried. It's too hard! I'm failing everyone! I'm not a good Christian, not a good daughter, not a good wife, mother or friend! I felt judged and unworthy.
Later in the day, my colleague called. As we chatted about life and work, he took a moment to stop and pray for me. It helped, especially knowing that I'm not alone in caring for children and parents. Later that evening another friend prayed with me, this time with a beautiful picture from God that completely encapsulated and reframed all that I've been going through. I came home with an easier heart.
As I sat to pray this morning, God showed me how much he loves me. I am like one of my children, fearful over every mistake, so scared that this will take away God's love for me. I have been so frustrated with this child, feeling as if I am failing at being a parent because of her fearful response to me, yet I act the same way toward God. My failures eat me up. I read devotions and listen to sermons and all I can see is how imperfect my faith is. I don't pray like so-and-so, I don't spend hours in my Bible like Mrs X, I'm too frustrated, angry, impatient, etc.
I love my child so deeply. I love them in spite of their mistakes, their disobedience, defiance and tantrums. I love them when they are helpful and sweet, and when they are acting like hellspawn. My love for my children never wavers. God loves me like that too. He loves me when I'm connected and doing great stuff, and he loves me in the desert place. He loves me even I scream and cry and tell my family I'm going on strike. He loves me when I serve, not with a joyful heart, but out of a dutiful one. He loves me always.
I know this is all over Scripture, that this is basic Christianity. But today, this has knocked my socks off. God loves me the same way I love my child. Just better. Wow. My heart is lighter, all condemnation is gone. Hallelujah!
