Something about waiting on a baby causes me to ponder God's plans and goodness. Over the course of the last few years, I've had reason to question God's sovereignty. Is God truly sovereign? Is He good? And are His plans for me good? Oftentimes in the heat of the moment, the answer to all of the above appears to be a big fat NO.
Questioning God's goodness is not something that goes over well in the church. The standard answer is that of course God is good and that everything negative is a result of sin. In theory, I agree with these statements. But in the thick of it, when everything seems to be crumbling, those sometimes pat answers don't hold water. During some of the darkest times last year, I wondered if God was sadistic, deriving pleasure from watching us struggle. Perhaps He derived amusement from watching us obey time after time, even when the consequences of obedience were hard. At times, I could picture Him up in heaven calling to the angels "Come check out these suckers! After all of that, they're going to obey! Again! Man, these humans are hysterical!" Thoughts like these do not go over well in the church, let me tell you.
I have wrestled not only with God's goodness, but also with His justice. Is God just? Does he truly punish those who do wrong? After months of questioning(and feeling guilty over said questioning), it was a relief to realize that Job also wrestled with this. He flat-out accused God of closing the eyes of judges so that evildoers remained unpunished. Among other things, Job also suggested that God is capricious and selfish, thinking only of what will bring Him pleasure. As Job recognized that God is all-powerful and was responsible only to Himself, Job only asked that God kill him quickly. Strangely, God's response was not to strike Job with lightening or swallow him in the earth. Instead God asked a series of questions revealing His awesome power and knowledge that was far from any human abilities. With that, Job was satisfied.
I don't know that I would be, yet. I want answers that aren't vague, ones that focus on the situation rather than on God's character. But during this time of trial, although my questions have to do with what has happened on the surface, I have come to realize that it is God's character that I am challenging. There is much that I don't understand. Like my client wrote to me this morning, "this is definitely a time when I wish God gave us His plans in writing". I wonder what we would see, if in heaven, we could see God's plans overlaid with ours on some sort of cosmic life map. Would I continue to question God's character or I would rejoice in His supremacy?
Baby will be making an appearance shortly, so off to the hospital I go.
